What Methods Does the Narcissist use to control you?

In today's blog, I am going to talk about the methods a narcissist uses to control you.

Well, first they have to reel you in.

How do they do that?   By Love Bombing you.

First of all, narcissists are usually good looking, full of charisma, witty, charming, and everybody seems to like them.  People are very attracted to this persona, especially someone who is co-dependent, and an empath.  Empaths and narcissists are drawn together like a magnet.  And, empaths are an easy mark for the narcissist.

Okay, let's look at love bombing:

When you first meet, the attraction is instant.  On both sides.  You have so much in common.  You are the light of his life.  He tells you he's never met anybody like you, that you are beautiful, he loves your outfits and, overall, you are the most perfect person in the entire world.  Oh..........  And he looks at you adoringly.  Right into your eyes, where you may even feel uncomfortable.  You feel so loved, so adored.  But this, dear ones, is not an adoring look at all.  It is a narcissistic stare, however adoring it may seem.  When someone gazes right into your eyes for a long time where you feel it's reaching the nether regions of your soul, this is a narcissistic stare.  And I will go into full detail on narcissistic stares in other posts.

If you meet someone who is simply enthralled with you and, from that moment on, they never leave your side, call you constantly, and maybe even goes home with you and never leaves, you may be involved with a narcissist.  Here's your sign.

So, usually with a narcissist, you tend to move in together rather quickly,  And then you have a glorious Honeymoon period.  The Honeymoon period may be of a short duration, or it can last weeks, and even months.  But then, you settle in.  And this is when the abuse starts, ever so subtly.  Well, actually, it started the moment he met you.  But, this is when you start to see his true colors.

All of a sudden, you're not so wonderful anymore.  Where he told you how beautiful you were, now he suggests that maybe you're wearing too much makeup.  All of a sudden, he suggests that the clothes you are wearing aren't really appropriate, and things like that.  So, to make the narcissist happy, you change your clothes and don't put on so much makeup, or maybe none at all because he tells you that you don't need makeup, that you are beautiful without makeup.  You are already caught in his spell.  Or were you caught at the very beginning, when you first met?  He is now controlling you.

Gaslighting:

On doing my research, I came upon this.  "Gaslighting is one of the cruelest forms of brainwashing."  But it's done oh so smoothly.  Gaslighting is when a person says things to make you doubt yourself, question yourself.  Let me give you an example:

• You remind him of something he said.  It could have been the day before, maybe a few weeks before, months before, or even years before,   The narcissist looks at you with a quizzical look and tells you that's not true.  That THIS is what he said.  Yet, you know darned well what he said.  But he continues on and on explaining what he really supposedly said and even may end with.  You must have misunderstood me.  Okay.  That's the clincher statement.  And now you are doubtful that you even heard him correctly in the first place.  He has succeeded in changing your reality.

Now, keep in mind, that the narcissist does not work in the reality that the rest of us do.  The narcissist has created an alternate reality for himself and now he is ever so subtly dragging you into his reality,

In my last post I describe how a narcissist is made and their brain abnormalities.  If you haven't read it, go back and read it for more understanding.

Okay...........  So, after enough gaslighting about everything you do, hear, or even know, you end up being drawn into the narcissist's alternate reality.  This is called Cognitive Dissonance and you are no longer in the reality that the rest of the world is in.  You are in the narcissist's reality.  You actually don't know which way is up, what is real and not real.  

Now, in my last post I talked about how the narcissist has an abnormal brain.  The thing is, that Cognitive Dissonance also injures the brain.  Cognitive Dissonance injures the posterior part of the medial frontal cortex.  And, that part of the brain deciphers a good decision from a bad decision.  When this part of the brain is injured, your decision making is not at its best, because you are now living in the narcissist's alternate reality.

Not to worry, though.  This condition can be healed, but it is impossible to heal while living with the narcissist.  Once you have left, it is necessary for narcissistic victims to go through trauma therapy with a therapist that specializes in this type of therapy.  In time, you CAN get this part of your brain to work properly,

Shaming

This is done in private and in public.  The shaming is necessary to keep you where you belong and keep the narcissist above you, so to speak.  Again, this is very subtle.  For example, it could be a comment about you to where others laugh, but don't get the real meaning.  But YOU get the real meaning.  Now, look how the narcissist gets the upper hand in using this method.  You may be offended and call out the narcissist on his statement.  You may even get angry.  But the narcissist has maneuvered this in such a way that the other people did not get it.  Only you.  And when you call him out on the statement they think............  What is the matter with her?  And then, you look like the crazy person.  And this was the narcissist's intention all along.  And you played right into his hands.  There are many other forms of shaming that make you lose your self confidence.  Again, this is the narcissist's plan.  And what he is doing now is setting the stage for when you do leave, so when he starts his smear campaign against you, and you try to defend yourself, they will believe him, and you will look crazy,  And there is always the statement...............  I was just kidding.  You are left confused and in doubt, yet again.

Projection

When you want to talk about a problem in the relationship, or any other type of problem with the narcissist, you will see that the narcissist turns it all around.  Whatever it is, all of a sudden, he has turned it around so it is all your fault.  This is called projection.  He is projecting his traits on to you.  He may even say that you're the narcissist, that you're manipulating, demanding, and so on and so forth when, in fact, these are his traits.  The sad part is, that you may believe him, causing you to try harder.

Actually, a narcissist will always out himself.  You just have to know how to listen.  And usually he does this while projecting.  For example, has he ever accused you of something you didn't do?  Ruh Roh.  Whatever he's accusing you of, he probably did.  So, be aware.  If he accuses you of cheating, guess what,  He's probably the one cheating.  He will project what he's done onto you, making you more confused, angry, and feeling the need to defend yourself.  But don't even try, because you will never get the narcissist to admit to any wrongdoing.  You will never win.  No matter how hard you try.  Just realize what he is doing, and how he is outing himself.  

And just a note here,  You will never win in anything with the narcissist.  So, don't even try.  You will be the one that will come out looking bad, and he will come out looking like the benevolent, altruistic person.  Every single time.  They are too good, too subtle.  They are masters of manipulation, deceit, and everything else.  They always play the victim role and do it very well.  Actually, you fell for it when you first met him.

Silent Treatment

This is the cruelest form of punishment that there is.  When you displease a narcissist and he becomes angry with you, you will notice first the narcissistic stare, and then he will walk off.  Now, to be clear, not all narcissists do this, but many do.  This silent treatment may last days, weeks, or even months.  They do it so well that they go around the house doing their business as if you are not even in the house.  You feel like you're a ghost, just observing everything.  This is an extremely painful and damaging form of punishment,  And that is exactly what it is.............  PUNISHMENT.  You did something very wrong in their eyes and now you are going to pay,  When the narcissist eventually starts talking to you, and it may just be uttering a few words, you may feel relief, as if to say..........  The punishment is over, or it's almost over, and you hope you will be in the narcissist's good graces again.  

Your emotions and reasoning are not in tact.  Where you came into the relationship a happy, vibrant, emotional healthy person, now, you are merely a shell of your former self, totally dependent on the narcissist.  You are living in the narcissist's alternate reality.

Rage

You have not experienced anything until you experience the rage of a narcissistic person.  It is so bad that they shred you to pieces.  They say the cruelest things imaginable about you, and you cannot comprehend that they are actually doing this to you.  Now, keep in mind..............  In their rage, they may be projecting, and really outing themselves, but at the time, it is so ferocious, that you may just be dumbfounded.  And, of course, you can't get a word in edgewise.  

This type of treatment is very hurtful and demeaning.  You may cry for hours and feel bad about yourself for a very long time.  In the meantime, the narcissist has gotten over it in a short period of time and is acting as if nothing has happened.  When you address him on what he has said, or he may ask...............  What's wrong?.................. and you tell him, they then minimize what they have done, probably telling you that you are too sensitive and you take everything so seriously.  They may even say that they were not even yelling at all.  That they just had raised their voice and that your perception is wrong,  And you may end up in a state of confusion.  All this, my friends, is gaslighting.

The Blame Game

Last but not least, then there is the blame game.  A narcissist will never take responsibility for their own actions.  Every problem they have, every failure they have, is always somebody else's fault.  It's your fault, it's this person's fault, it's that person's fault.  It could be society's fault.  But, it is never their fault.  They are very good at playing the victim and, unfortunately, many people believe him and feel sorry for him because of the way he manipulates the stories and paints himself as the victim.

Okay, my dears.  The next blog will be about "when you do leave the narcissist".  The smear campaign that ensues, and the flying monkeys.

Remember,  be good to YOU.

What is a Narcissist?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) exhibits exaggerated feelings of self-importance, excessive need for admiration, and lack of empathy for others.

Leaving a narcissist is not easy.  Too much involved.  At the point that we are ready to leave a narcissist, we find that we are totally invested in the narcissist.  He is all that matters and we don't matter at all.  We have lost our sense of self.  Yet, if we stay, our life may be truly over.   Life with a narcissist can result in physical, mental, and emotional injury.  Victims of narcissists tend to develop anxiety disorders, which can progress to the point where they become suicidal, and it can result in their taking their own lives.  Living with a narcissist does not always include physical abuse.  But the emotional abuse may leave scars that last a lifetime.  Those who do leave narcissists tend to gravitate to other narcissists and the pattern is repeated.  The emotional prison is so severe, that sometimes it's hard to leave because children are involved, the victim has no (or very little) access to money, or both.  The thing is, you have been slowly molded and manipulated through the years to be in this prison.

How do people become narcissists?

They experience some type of tragedy or abuse as children that they cannot cope with.  They then develop certain defenses to override the insecurity they feel.  They develop a way of dealing with people where they demand admiration by others and feed off attention.  It doesn't matter if it's good or bad attention, as long as they are receiving attention.  They put themselves first in everything  and other people are not even secondary,  they just don't matter at all.  They learn how to use people to serve their needs.   And here is a perfect example of the phrase:  If you don't use it, you lose it.  By building these defenses and implementing those harmful behaviors toward others, they don't use the limbic system in their brain and, over time, that part of the brain becomes inactive.  It petrifies, thus making it impossible to feel emotions, especially empathy towards others.

The brain of a narcissist is  wired differently from the brain of a person who doesn't have this disorder.  Research has found that the personality of the narcissist reflects the abnormality in their brain.

Let's look at the abnormality in the brain of a narcissist:

The limbic system is the emotional center of the brain.  The limbic system comprises of the hypothalamus, the hippocampus, the amygdala and other parts of the brain.  The limbic system is primarily responsible for our emotional life.

But, for the purpose of this blog, I am going to focus on the amygdala.  The amygdala plays a central role in emotional perception and our responses.  The amygdala of a narcissist has shrunken and, therefore, feels no empathy.

This malfunction in the amygdala explains why the narcissist is not concerned about how he treats other people.

My next blog will be about how the narcissist reels you in and the methods he uses to control you emotionally.