Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the most common type of personality disorders.  While it may appear to be narcissistic behavior to others, it is not.  People with BPD have emotions that run very deep.  In fact, their emotions are intense and exaggerated.  They will take offense at the slightest comment, even when no offense was meant.  In other words, people with BPD are very fragile.  BPD causes severe instability in self-image, behavior, mood and personal relationships.  This disorder, therefore, gets in the way of every aspect of everyday life, such as work, social relationships and even family life.  The reason the word "borderline" is used is because they are thought to be on the border of psychosis and neurosis.  2% of the population suffers with BPD.  And, interestingly enough, more women than men suffer from this type of personality disorder.  Although, BPD is very treatable, treatment is more successful when it is diagnosed in its early stages, and it must be done by a therapist that specializes in BPD.  Going to the wrong type of therapist can actually make a person worse.

As with so many psychological disorders, the brain of someone with BPD is injured.  The limbic system is hypersensitive and their amygdala may very well be swollen, making the emotional input that they receive to be exaggerated.  This accounts for the major mood swings and their volatile responses when they perceive that they are being abandoned.

Borderline Personality Disorder usually presents itself during adolescence and early adulthood.  One of the causes is thought to be genetic, which would mean that they inherit this condition from theeir ancestors, and it is also the result of childhood abuse and/or trauma.

What criteria is necessary for a person to be at risk for developing BPD?

1.  If you have a family member with BPD.

2.  If you felt emotionally unstable as a child.

3.  If you were emotionally and/or physically abused as a child.

4.  If you developed a fear of abandonment as a child.

People with BPD suffer from an intense fear of abandonment.  In my opinion, this is the most threatening fear they have.  Thinking that they are at risk of being abandoned by someone, may trigger volatile behavior.  The trigger could even be as insignificant as a reasonable short-term separation.  They may feel that this perceived abandonment is because they did something wrong.  The reason this fear is so intense is because people with BPD have an intense intolerance to being left alone.  They would much rather be with other people.  And, this is the reason why, when someone befriends them, they make that person the center of their lives.  They tend to idealize them.

However, if they perceive that this friend is going to abandon them, these feelings turn into intense hatred,  This can happen for something as simple as the new friend spending time with someone else, without including them.  Again, the person with BPD  may very well think that they did something wrong and that's why their friend does not want to spend time with him/her.  Impulsive, violent, and/or self-destructive behavior is the result of these  frightening and intense feelings.  Because of this particular fear, they tend to have intense, unstable and difficult relationships.

Other traits are:

1.  Very poor self-image.

2.  Self-destructive, impulsive behavior.

3.  Suicidal threats and attempts which, of course, can be successful.

4.  Extreme mood swings.

5.  Feeling empty inside, feelings of isolation or being ostracized by humanity.

6.  When under severe stress, short-lived psychotic episodes.

7.  Self-mutilation.

And, let me touch on self-mutilation.

When cutting themselves, the pain they feel replaces their anguish and emotional pain.  When blood starts  surfacing and spilling over, they feel a substantial sense of relief.  It almost seems to detonate the emotional bomb that is about to explode inside them.

People with BPD feel unworthy of love but, yet, try to look for love from the people around them.

That's why I said above that I feel that fear of abandonment is their number one issue, because love is the bottom line for all of us.  The feeling of not being loved alone can be the cause of BPD and so many other psychological conditions.  Showing them how to build realistic relationships with trust may be the most important aspect of recovery.

If you or a loved one suffers from BPD it is crucial to get a therapist that specializes in Borderline Personality Disorders.

What is the difference between Overt and Covert Narcissists?

Today, we are going to talk about the two types of narcissists, overt and covert.  

An overt narcissists is the most obvious.  An overt narcissist does not try to temper their behavior in front of others.  He/She acts out in public by being aggressive, causing arguments and in general, being unruly.  An overt narcissist is arrogant, demanding, pompous and boastful.  An overt narcissist exhibits grandiose behavior, demands that he receives special treatment, portrays himself as the most knowledgeable in a special field, or many fields, and expects everyone's admiration.  However, he is easily offended should he not get the admiration he feels he deserves and, should he receive any type of criticism, it might very well ignite a narcissistic rage. 

An overt narcissist exploits people ruthlessly in his quest for power and control.   He has the potential to obtain power and material wealth, but always at the expense of others.  If these people do not obtain the success they desire, they may make up phony credentials to make others believe that they are, indeed, powerful and successful.

A covert narcissist, on the other hand, is discreet, although no less dangerous.  The covert narcissist does not present a grandiose self to the world.  Instead, he lives within, fantasizing about these non-existent attributes.

The covert narcissist tends to be depressed and withdrawn.  He may suffer with anxiety and he may be pessimistic and unmotivated.  He tries to get other people to do his bidding,  And, when the covert narcissist has problems in his life (which he created) he will blame everyone and everything around him as to why his life is not going as he thinks it should be.   Being passive-aggressive, he subtly projects all of his feelings of inadequacy to those who are close to him.  It may be gaslighting during a casual conversation or it may even be during a narcissistic rage.  

Both the overt and covert narcissist feels unworthy.  They feel shame and insecurity, while having a very low self-esteem.  They are envious of other people, or pretend that other people are envious of them.  Other negative emotions include anger, hatred, and they have the need to control others.   They both lie, manipulate, withhold love, slander, and abandon people, just to intentionally hurt them.  They both exploit people to get whatever they need.    Both types of narcissists will help themselves to your house, money, resources and energy, leaving you drained or even sick. 

Keep in mind, that when a covert narcissist loses control, when they see that your supply may be in question, when things start falling apart for them, they will transition from being a covert to an overt narcissist.  This will take their partner by surprise, as they are used to one type of narcissist and then, all of a sudden they find themselves with an overt narcissist.  The sudden narcissistic rages will blow the partner away, so to speak, and they won't know what to do with this new situation.  You may think that this type of behavior may just be temporary (maybe he's having a bad day, maybe he's too stressed), but once the covert narcissist turns into an overt narcissist, they can only focus on what they want, making life unbearable.  If your supply is in question, they may turn to being cruel and vindictive.  All of a sudden, everything that has gone wrong is your fault.  And this is where a lot of projection takes place, most likely during narcissistic rages.  You will be undermined, shamed, and abused in other ways.   However, when you react or try to defend yourself, the whole situation is turned around to make it seem as though you are the problem.  When you react in anger, he will say something like............  Look at you.  Look how you are behaving.  And he will make you believe that you are the problem.  Then, you will be left feeling ashamed of the way you acted and you may even think that YOU are the problem.  Keep in mind that during this outburst, you have received strong gaslighting and projection.  But then notice that you are left feeling bad about yourself, while the narcissist is just fine.

Now, keep in mind that narcissistic traits are not one size fits all.  These traits may very well overlap in different kinds of narcissists.  Just be aware that entering into a relationship with a narcissist is very dangerous.  They can steal your money, assets, energy, and even your personality, leaving you fragile, when you were once strong and independent.  A narcissist doesn't have to be violent in order to kill.  He can kill you by psychological manipulation.  You may end up with psychological problems that may very well end up in physical illness, chronic physical illness, or acute illness that can very well take your life.  Inward turmoil can result in serious diseases such as multiple sclerosis, lupus, grave's disease,  and other autoimmune diseases.  It can even result in cancer,.

There is good reason why they are called energy vampires and body snatchers.  Because this is what they do.

Stop Feeling Sorry for the Narcissist

There are times that we leave the narcissist with no supply.  When this happens, the narcissist goes into crisis mode.  Not just because he has lost you as the primary supply, but your leaving has caused his/her life to fall into complete crisis.

Why is that?  Simply because you are the one that held everything together.  Chances are, you paid the bills, you are the one that put food on the table, etc., while, at the same time, the narcissist was taking from your own private funds, to the point that you realized that you were now left with practically nothing.

When we leave the narcissist in this type of situation, a lot of us tend to feel guilty and sorry for them.  And, we may even try to help them.  Even as we are leaving the narcissist, we may realize that his life will be destroyed and even as we leave, we feel guilty.  We still feel responsible for that person.

Since when are we responsible for the wellbeing of others?  WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN WELLBEING and, of course, the wellbeing of our minor children.  But, through our being empaths and being co-dependent, and through gaslighting, projection and other cruel and abusive methods they use, we have grown to feel responsible for them.  

Now, if you were raised by a narcissistic parent, or parents, the damage has already been done.  Chances are that you felt responsible for them as a child, and even as an adult.  That you felt responsible for their happiness.  You blamed yourself for their narcissistic rages toward you.  You believed that you were bad and, therefore, you deserved everything you got.  I remember thinking as a child............  If I were only perfect, my daddy would love me.  How sad.  The truth is..............  IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, and the fact that you gravitated to another narcissist and were further victimized was also NOT YOUR FAULT.  A serious brain injury, called Cognitive Dissonance, was inflicted on you during the 18 or so years that you were raised by your parents.  And, then you left the nest and navigated into the relationship that you are in now with an injured brain.  You cannot make good decisions.  The part of the brain responsible for that has been injured,   You are subject to gaslighting, projection, and all of the other methods the narcissist uses to psychologically abuse and wound you, without your even being aware of what is being done to you.  Because, if you were raised by a narcissistic parent, you are used to it, and you may think that this is even normal behavior.

And............  Who is responsible for the narcissist's dilemma and your being in this situation?  The narcissist, through his irresponsible behavior, financially and otherwise.  You've been left in a financial condition where you are just scraping by and the narcissist is asking you for help.  Thereby destroying you more, financially and emotionally, by pulling at your heart strings,

Now, keep in mind that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths have overlapping traits.  But in this blog I am describing a sociopath.  Let us review the traits of a sociopaths.

1,  Callous unconcern for the feelings of others.

2.  Gross and persistent attitude of  irresponsibility and disregard for social norms and obligations.

3.  Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them,.

4.  Very low tolerance to frustration, a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.

5.  Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalization for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.

Do these ring a bell?  When you catch yourself feeling sorry for the narcissist/sociopath, think back as to why you left.  

If you do decide to help the narcissist, notice how you feel.  Chances are, you will not feel good about it.  You will feel imposed upon and used, yet again.  Listen to these feelings and let the narcissist deal with his own crisis, which he caused, by the way.

A narcissist is like a person that is chemically dependent.  What is happening here is that you are enabling him or her, just as a person enables someone who is dependent on chemical substances.  Until they hit bottom, they will not change their behavior.  As long as they have you to depend on for anything, they will not do what is necessary to survive on their own,

Why do we feel sorry for them?  Why do we still feel responsible for their wellbeing when we know that they won't use whatever we do to help effectively?  It's like putting more wood in a blazing fire.  Could it be because of the psychological damage that he/she or even prior narcissists have inflicted upon us?  Cognitive Dissonance comes to mind.  We can't think straight, we're confused.  We can't make reasonable decisions.  And we are still being manipulated by the narcissist.  They are experts in manipulation and they are experts in pushing our reactive buttons.

That is why, when we leave a narcissist, it's important to go "no contact".  Hopefully, somewhere far away.  Block the phone number.  And, if there has to be contact, say if minor children are involved, only keep communications open through email, where you have a chance to digest everything he says, instead of immediately reacting.  If there are minor children involved, get an attorney right away and do things legally.

In the meantime, these reactions are a sign that we have not healed.  That is why it is so important to get immediate help from a therapist who specializes in Trauma Therapy and Narcissistic Abuse.  I have personally found out that not all therapists are familiar with narcissistic abuse.  I have found myself in the position of educating these therapists on narcissistic abuse.  

Especially during the Holidays, think about what I've written in this post, and be aware when the narcissist contacts you for help.  First thing to do is to notice how you feel.  And then go with that feeling.  It's okay to say "no".

Focus on being GOOD to YOU.

When Your Parent is a Narcissist

The narcissistic parent has no respect for his/her children and their boundaries.   The children are nothing but pawns to be controlled.  However,  this control does not end when the child becomes an adult.  It continues through life until the narcissist passes or the child says............  Enough.

When you have a narcissistic parent,  from the minute you're born, you have already experienced your first setback in life.  Even as a baby, you don't get the love and attention you deserve.  You are not loved, you are ignored, and may even ignite the narcissist's wrath.  When a baby does not live in a loving and happy environment, it becomes damaged.  Already, the psychological injury is taking its toll.  The hippocampus, which is in the limbic system of the brain, does not develop properly, and this is the region of the brain which is responsible for memory, learning and stress responses.  It also affects the amygdala, which is responsible for emotional reactions.  So, by the time that baby reaches childhood, already, its reality is not the same as it is for other children.  The child now lives in the narcissist's alternate reality.

Narcissists are unable to love and, unfortunately, this is also true with regard to their own children.  So, the child of a narcissist has trouble navigating childhood, going through school and socializing with their peers.  During adulthood, they may think that the hard part is over and that their world is now in their own hands but, not so.  The narcissist is right behind them, still exercising their control, manipulation and wrath on their adult child.  And if the narcissist should pass on, the child has those ghosts of the past subtly speaking to them subconsciously.  Not to mention, the relationship choices the adult child will make throughout life.

When a narcissist uses his methods to devalue adults, they become "broken" and lose their identity.  How can a child withstand this manipulation and punishment?  Simply put, he can't.  Such methods as gaslighting, narcissistic rages, projection, shaming, and worst of all, the silent treatment, breaks the child's spirit.  All these methods are cruel and unjust ways to treat a child, but the silent treatment is worst of all.  The silent treatment inflicts pain without physical bruising.  The silent treatment activates the brain stem, the thalamus and the cerebral cortex.  These are the three parts of the brain through which pain is felt.  Furthermore, a recipient of the silent treatment feels powerless, intimidated, guilty, and insignificant,    And, both gaslighting and the silent treatment are methods used in interrogating POW's.  It is not only devastating for an adult, but so much more for a child that has no emotional defenses.

So, by the time the child is an adult and leaves the nest, the child has been abused and ignored through his entire life.  So, what is going to happen is that the child will go out into the world with a psychological disorder.  He/She may even be developing their own narcissistic attributes as a defense mechanism against the world.

Needless to say, when it is time to choose a partner, the child will unknowingly fall into an unhealthy relationship, choosing a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath to go through life with.  And, taking into consideration their childhood experience, he may think that this type of relationship is normal.  The child that has become a narcissist, on the other hand, will choose his own victim, who may have very likely had a narcissistic parent, and the abusive circle continues.

This reminds me of something that my mother said during her last years of life, which actually surprised me.  "You never stood a chance."

Do we, victims of narcissism stand a chance?  Yes we do.  We are very resilient.  I have been told that personally and, on doing my research, I came across an author who said that victims of narcissistic abuse are the most resilient people that he has ever met.  Of course, healing must take place and this will take time.  But each day we will become more confident and more comfortable in our own bodies..  More importantly, we will learn how to love and nurture ourselves, something we never learned to do.

But, in a way, my mother was right.  It seems as though we don't stand a chance, taking into consideration the psychological and maybe physical abuse we have endured.  But now we know, and healing can take place.  Life can begin to blossom into a beautiful experience,.  It wasn't our fault after all!  We were not bad children and we are not bad adults!  What a concept!  These were lies told to us by the people who were supposed to love and protect us. 

This is the beginning of healing.  We do not have to live our lives as insignificant and unworthy people,  Because, WE ARE WORTHY.

And, of course, I can't forget this reminder .............  Be GOOD to YOU. 

When a Narcissist Discards You, Especially During the Holidays (VIDEO)

When a Narcissist "Discards" You

When a narcissist is done with a relationship, he simply "discards" the partner.  Now, a narcissist will not just discard and cut himself off from any type of supply.  The narcissist will have backup supply.  He's been priming someone else to take your place.  Fresh supply, so to speak.  

If you are discarded, the narcissist will not hoover, because his new supply is keeping him "full."

By the way, I did not misspell the word hover.  Hoover is a narcissistic term used instead of hover, because they suck you in.  As in the "Hoover" vacuum cleaner.

While I'm on this subject, let me go over other lingo used in the narcissistic community.

Gaslight:  An extremely cruel form of brainwashing that makes you doubt yourself and the reality you live in.

Flying Monkeys:  People who believe everything the narcissist tells them and who do the narcissist's bidding.  Adopted from The Wizard of Oz; the wicked witch who had her flying monkeys do her bidding.

Gray Rock:  When you don't participate in the narcissist's drama.  You don't react when they push your buttons.

Love Bombing:  The initial display of love, attention and gifts.

Smear Campaign:  When the narcissist obliterates your character to his flying monkeys.

Discard:  When the narcissist no longer needs you.

Projection:  When the narcissist attributes his own negative traits on to you.

Narcissistic Rage:  This occurs when some type of injury is triggered.  It can be the smallest slight.  This is one of those times when he projects onto you his negative traits,

Shaming:  Making you feel worthless by the things he says.  

Devalue:  When the love bombing stops and the narcissist starts in with condescending statements, raging at you, shaming, ignoring you...........  When you start feeling like a piece of furniture.

Silent Treatment:  When the narcissist doesn't talk to you or even acknowledge that you exist.  This can be done effectively even while living in the same house.  It can go on for days, months, and I've heard tell, even years.

And there are more............

Keep in mind, that the gaslighting stage starts when you first meet the narcissist, during the love bombing stage.  They have to prime you and make sure that you will be a suitable supply,

But, back to what I was saying.........  Being discarded can be very hurtful, especially if you are still in love with the narcissist.  You may think............  What did I do wrong?  You have done nothing wrong.  You are the one who has been wronged.  In fact, if you have been discarded, be thankful and just move on.  Of course, please go to therapy so you can work on why you became attracted to the narcissist in the first place.  Chances, you are co-dependent or an empath, or maybe both.   And during your time with the narcissist, you have been psychologically wounded,

However, the narcissist may very well be back and start the love bombing process all over again,  It could be weeks, months, or even years after the discard takes place. This happens when either the new supply does not meet his expectations, or he's gone through the love bombing and devalue stage.  Maybe she escaped.  And, escape is the proper term for when you leave the narcissist because, in reality, you are literally escaping.

Anyway, if the narcissist is low on supply, he may start hoovering and love bombing you to reel you back in.  Don't let him do it.  Because there will be a short honeymoon period and it will go back to the way it was, maybe even worse.  If you are reeled in after you escape, he may very well punish you for leaving.

After either being discarded or escaping, it is important to go "no contact" to a place where he can't find you and never answer any phone calls or emails.  Don't even read the emails.  Just delete them.  No, he doesn't still love you.  He "needs" your supply.  Or he wants to keep you on the back burner for future supply.

Being discarded can seem to be the most hurtful thing you have ever endured.  But, in reality, it is a blessing in disguise.

In the end, the most important thing of all..............  Be GOOD to YOU.

There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays........ Eh, maybe not.

There's no Place like Home for the Holidays.....Or maybe not.

Thanksgiving is just a few days away and it seems as though the Christmas Spirit is falling down on the masses.   I have very warm thoughts having to do with holidays.  Thanksgiving is my all time favorite.  Gathered around the table enjoying a feast with family and friends, being thankful and just enjoying each other.  I always envision a warm cozy setting,  Makes me want to jump up right now to get a cup of warm cocoa..........  with marshmallows.  And then we have Christmas.  Getting up in the morning and opening up presents under the Christmas tree............  Of course with a warm cup of cocoa.  Then, having a nice breakfast and maybe going to visit friends and relatives with presents.  Such an Aaaaaaah moment!  And, of course, the festivities continue through New Year's Day!  Those were my holidays of yesteryear and oh, how I loved them. 

But if you're living with a narcissist, the upcoming holidays may cause feelings of dread.  Or complacency.............  Just another day.

Holidays get in the way of narcissists because, during this time, the attention isn't focused on them.  You're busy buying gifts, preparing for the wonderful holiday meals, putting up decorations, and so forth.  But then................ the narcissist always manages to spoil everything.  For the narcissist, this is the season to devalue and maybe even discard.  

Let me tell you about my first Christmas with the narcissist.  I was busy preparing for Christmas and buying gifts for him and was so excited to be spending our first Christmas together.  On Christmas Day, after having breakfast, I happily gave him his gifts.  He looked at me with a blank look and said................  Oh, I didn't get you anything.  DEVALUE.  Well, at that moment, all my joy dropped to the ground, crashing down like painful shards of glass.  Any happy emotion deflated.  So, trying to make the best of everything,  I watched him open his gifts.  Every Christmas he would go camping with a relative and this was no exception.  A little while later, we ate Christmas Dinner and right afterwards, he left to go camping and was gone for a couple of days.  So, there I was alone on Christmas.  I did not matter.  Why didn't I get that?  Because I had been with him since the prior June and had already been the subject of enough gaslighting and, not only that, but I had been involved with narcissists all my life and wasn't aware of it.  So, I may have very well entered the relationship confused, thinking that I didn't matter anyway.  And you know, they give themselves away.  He used to use this phrase quite often...........  Who are you going to believe?  Me, or your lying eyes?  It was right there all the time!  Now, don't get me wrong.  It's not necessary to have family and friends around to have a wonderful Christmas.  Christmas can be extra wonderful when you spend it with a special someone.  The companionship, the comfort, the closeness.  But, apparently, I wasn't that special person.  His relative was.

From then on, we did exchange gifts, but it was the same old thing.  He'd always go camping on Christmas Day and sometimes even before.  Also on New Year's day and, while I'm at it, Easter, Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day, and here we are back to Thanksgiving.  After a couple of years, I stopped celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas because.............  Why bother?  He was never there.  At best, we'd have dinner and then he'd either go camping or go on the computer, or do something else.  So, Thanksgiving and Christmas became just another day. 

However, I learned to enjoy the holidays on my own.  I would snuggle up on the couch and binge on Christmas movies with a hot cup of cocoa.  Of course, with marshmallows.  You CAN enjoy holidays when you're alone.  Make it a special time.  You can bask in your own company, do things you enjoy, heck you can even go out or spend time with family or friends.  Just because the narcissist isn't doing anything to contribute, doesn't mean you have to go along with his program.  And sometimes, I would go visiting, just to relax and have some enjoyable time.

Other narcissists may spoil a family gathering with their negative behavior, such as outbursts, maybe taking this opportunity to shame you in front of others,,,,,,,,,  And you end up embarrassed, maybe mortified.  There is no limit to what they can do.  After all, the holiday season is not about the narcissist and, somehow, they have to make it all about themselves.  Even if they have to get negative  attention.  Supply is supply.  By the way, let me say here that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER'S ACTIONS.  No matter who they are.  So, let that be on them, not you.

If this is your first holiday season with a narcissist, be prepared for what is to come.  Guaranteed, it will not be pleasant.  You may end up disappointed, or maybe hurt to the core.  If you've been with a narcissist for several years, well you know what's coming.

Instead of being apathetic this holiday season, or even worse, make Christmas about yourself.  Don't let anybody destroy this special time for you.  Do things that you enjoy, whether it's celebrating at home doing things you enjoy, or going out to a friend or relative's house.  Let the narcissist do what he does and don't let it affect you.  If he has a narcissistic rage because you're enjoying the holidays. don't react.  Just observe.  And don't let it get to you.  This is called the grey rock treatment, which I will cover in detail in another post.  The grey rock treatment is when you don't react to what he's saying, however many of your buttons he pushes.

So, this holiday season, don't let anyone spoil it for you.  Be Merry!

Be GOOD to you,  

How do you make sure you never get involved with a narcissist again?

The only way you can make sure you never get involved with a narcissist again is to set boundaries.  Keep in mind, there are 1 in 4 people that are narcissists in the United States and, chances are, you will meet and be drawn to another narcissist.  Remember, you and narcissists are like magnets.  You may be co-dependent or an empath and that is the strong attraction.  Narcissists are drawn to people like you, especially if you have not healed.  The last thing you need is to be drawn into another narcissistic relationship.

First of all, after leaving a narcissist, you need time to heal.  You have serious emotional and mental wounds that must be given time to heal.  Just jumping into another relationship could lead to another disaster, which you do not need.

Why are boundaries so important?

Even if you have educated yourself on narcissistic traits and know all the signs, that is not enough.  And this is because they are very smooth.  They will study you, mirror you, and tell you exactly what you want to hear.  They are very good at sizing up people.  The only way that you can absolutely recognize them is when they have crossed a boundary.  Set those boundaries and be certain that when a boundary is crossed, just once,  that's your signal to get up and leave.  Now, be certain that a narcissist WILL cross boundaries.  They always do.  They do this to see what you will allow and what you will not allow.  During the beginning phase of the relationship, the narcissist in studying you.  That adoring look that they hold for so long is actually studying you.  Not adoring you.  Realize that that's what is called a Narcissistic Stare.  It is important to be aware of these subtle signs. 

Other signs to look out for:  When they smile, do their eyes also smile?  A narcissist's eyes will not smile.  Now, there are other reasons why eyes don't smile.  For example, if a person is sad or depressed, their eyes will not smile, and with a keen eye, you can tell which is which.  But be aware of the body language, what the person you have just met is doing at all times.

Another sign is if that they may be touchy-feely on the first date, or even soon after,.  How does that touch make you feel?  Do you feel uncomfortable?  If you do, he has just crossed a boundary.  It is okay, to tell him that you are uncomfortable and, if he doesn't back off, he's crossing a boundary. 

These boundaries must be intentionally set because, otherwise, you may just "let it go,"  Never "let go" of something you are uncomfortable with.  Again, during this "affectionate" period, the narcissist is just studying you to see how pliable you are.  IT IS NOT AFFECTION!  Remember, narcissists sociopaths and psychopaths are not called "Body Snatchers" and "Energy Vampires" for no reason.  Narcissists cannot feel love or empathy because of the abnormality in their brains, and it is important to know this.

Actually, anything that feels uncomfortable or unwanted is crossing a boundary.  Pay attention to your feelings.  Your body will tell you the truth.  Your gut knows.   Have deal breakers.  Figure out what you consider a boundary and deal breaker to be.  A boundary can be negotiated.  Say, the narcissist puts his arm around you and you tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable.  If he backs off and respects that boundary, it's okay.  But, if not, you know it's not okay.  A deal breaker is something different.  That is something that you will not tolerate.  For example, a complete deal breaker would be if he goes into your purse for whatever reason.  Keep in mind, after he goes into your purse, he will go into your home, your bank account, important records, and it will never stop.  Something like that would be a signal to get up and leave immediately.  And, for this reason, with any first date, you should always meet somewhere with your own separate cars.  That way, if you must leave, you won't be dependent on the narcissist to take you home.

In anything, pay attention to your feelings.  They will never lead you astray.  It is when you ignore those feelings that you will be led astray.  Maybe not that night, the next day, the next week but, eventually you will be led to the deepest depths of hell.

Actually, even with your day-to-day life.   If you don't feel like doing something, then don't do it.  Learn to not be imposed on and to also draw boundaries in yourday-to-day life.

And, okay...............  This is the end of this post.  If you have any other examples of crossing boundaries, please leave them in the comments.

And remember..................  Always be GOOD to YOU>

Listen to your Feelings. Be True to Yourself

Narcissists and Sociopaths and Psychopaths, Oh My!

In my first few posts, I have been talking mainly about narcissists.  Now, I am going to expand it further to sociopaths and psychopaths.

Firstly, all sociopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are sociopaths.

Secondly, all psychopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are psychopaths.

Now, the word "Psychopath" is misunderstood.  We may automatically think of blood thirsty killers that are portrayed on television and the movies.  But, in reality,  very few psychopaths are anything like those depictions.  So, rest easy as you read this blog.

Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths, although having their own characteristics, also have overlapping characteristics, making it confusing to distinguish.

So, let me describe the characteristics of each.  Let's start from the bottom and go up:

The Traits of a Narcissist, known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are:

1.  Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.

2.  Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3.  Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

4.  Requires excessive admiration.  Regularly fishes for compliments, and is highly susceptible to flattery.

5.  Has a sense of entitlement.

6.  Is interpersonally exploitative.

7.  Lacks empathy: is unwilling (actually unable), to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8.  Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

9.  Shows arrogant, haughty (rude and abusive) behaviors or attitudes.


The Traits of a Sociopath (known as Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD)) are:

1,  Callous unconcern for the feelings of others.

2.  Gross and persistent attitude of  irresponsibility and disregard for social norms and obligations.

3.  Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them,.

4.  Very low tolerance to frustration, a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.

5.  Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalization for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.


And, last but not least, the traits of a Psychopath (also known as Antisocial Personality Disorder):

1.  Pathological lying.

2.  Glibness and superficial charm.

3.  Grandiose sense of self worth.

4.  Being cunning and manipulative.

5.  Shallow emotions.

6.  Callousness and lack of empathy.

7.  Failure to accept responsibility for their own acts.

8.  A lack of realistic long-term goals.

9.  Impulsivity.

10. Irresponsibility.

11. Poor behavior controls.

12. Susceptible of revocation of parole.

13. Criminal versatility.

14. Promiscuous sexual behavior.

15.  Many marital relationships.

Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths are quite prevalent among us.  

1 in every 6 people are narcissists. 

1 in every 25 people are sociopaths.

Many statistical reports state than 1 in 25 people are psychopaths, but they also lump them in the category of sociopaths, so this is unclear to me.  Other reports claim that 1 in 200 people are psychopaths, and I actually tend to give this number more credibility.

You will find narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths in prominent positions in business settings.  For example, there are many CEO's, clergy, ministers, pastors, psychologists, government officials, and so forth, that are psychopaths.  So, everywhere you go, be aware of who you are actually engaging with.

After doing my research, I learned that my particular narcissist was actually a sociopath.  Besides narcissistic traits, he also exhibited characteristics of all the sociopathic traits .  

So, look at these traits and determine if you're living with, or even know a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath.

Until next time:

Be GOOD to YOU. 

Leaving a Narcissist

Ho boy.  This is a tough one.  It is not easy to leave a narcissist.

By the time you can't take anymore and you are ready to leave a narcissist, you are spent,.  Where you were happy, vibrant, balanced, and emotionally stable when you entered the relationship, you are now a shell of your former self.  And this is because you have gone through years (maybe decades) of emotional abuse.  Now, I want to emphatically state that if you are going through physical abuse...............  LEAVE.  Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths who are violent can very well kill you.  Even if you have to go to a shelter.  Staying can very well mean the loss of your life.

But, back to what I was saying...........  They don't call narcissists body snatchers and energy vampires for no reason.  They literally live off your energy and after years with them, you are depleted and confused because of all the mind altering methods they use to control you.

So........... when you are ready to leave, make a plan.  Have all your little ducks in a row.  Go somewhere safe, where there's peace and quiet and GOOD ENERGY.  The energy you're living under is completely toxic,.  Maybe move in with a friend, or family.  But make sure the friend or family member is supportive.  Now, it may be necessary to do this because it is completely possible that the narcissist has taken and/or used all your money.  They have the mindset................  What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine.  You might be getting  an allowance, but certainly not enough to live on.   So, chances are, you don't have the resources to leave and, if you have children, this complicates matters.  So, take your time and work out a viable plan.

Now it's time to tell the narcissist you are leaving, or you can slip out the back, Jack...........  as the song says.  When you tell the narcissist you are leaving, your plan must be in place and you must be ready to walk out right then and there.  This is important because if you don't, the narcissist will sweet talk you into staying.  They will change their ways, they will be more considerate, blah blah.  Whatever you tell him what the problem is, he will promise that he will change, and he may seem very sincere and even loving.  This is a trap.  This is called love bombing.  Once you settle back in, the emotional roller coaster will continue.  You might have a day, a week, maybe two weeks where everything is okay but, then, when you've settled in again, the abuse will continue.  And this is because he's not done with you yet.  He can still get supply from you.  He does not mean a word he says.  And this is because a narcissist does not love you.  He NEEDS you.  He needs your energy.   If you don't fall for the snow job he's giving you, then you will see that his attitude changes.  You may very well witness a narcissistic rage, yet again.  Now, it's important not to react, because you already know what they do to control you.  They will use guilt, shame, they will say any issues in the relationship are your fault.  No matter what hurtful and demeaning things the narcissist may say, stay calm.  This is what all narcissists do.  So, just observe.  Don't react, because this is what he wants you to do.  By reacting you give him more supply.  Just stay calm and leave.

Okay, you've left the narcissist.  It is better if you go to a place that he's not familiar with at all.  It's best to disappear.  And, No Contact is the best option.  Because if they know where you are, he will start love bombing you, promising all sorts of things, and they are so smooth and good at it, that you may very well go back.  Think of what you've been through.  It is not going to change.  But, be aware that he will start a smear campaign on you, the likes of which you have never seen before.  He will smear your character outside in and inside out.  This may be very hurtful and may very well make you angry,  even making you wanting to get even.  However, DO NOTHING.  And I'm sorry, but this is one of the times when you'll find out who your real friends are.  And, you will never win.  The reason you will never win, is because the narcissist is too good and before you find out that he's trashing you and your character, he will have already started your smear campaign with everyone he and you know.  And they will believe him.  So, if you come along and try to right wrongs and tell everyone the real story, they will not believe you.  In fact, you will most likely, in some way, reinforce what the narcissist has said about you, leaving you frustrated, angry and hurt.

Going to the narcissist and reasoning with him also does not work.  Because they have no empathy.  And this is what they do.  Arguing with the narcissist, also does not work.  By doing any or all of these things, you are giving supply to the narcissist and providing him with the drama he needs.  Narcissists LOVE drama.  So, don't play the game.  By the way, revenge will not work either.  You cannot win in this situation either and, actually, it's not real good for your karma.  Just go live your life and go forward.  And, actually, this is the best revenge for the narcissist, because you are not playing his game.  You are not fueling him with any of your supply.  And this drives them crazy.  So, doing nothing is your best alternative.

Lastly, the people that he he uses to smear you and who may actually also do his bidding, are called flying monkeys.  And this is taken from the Wizard of Oz, from the witch who had all the flying monkeys do her bidding.  If you spot a flying monkey, stay away from them, because they believe the narcissist.  Remember, narcissists are very good at playing the victim card.  And, besides, you have been a victim long enough.  Don't put yourself in another situation where you will end up the victim again.  Narcissists will chew you up and spit you out without giving it a second thought.

Okay, my dears, my next blog will be about...............  Are you dealing with a narcissist, a sociopath, or a psychopath?

Be well and................ Be GOOD to yourself.

What Methods Does the Narcissist use to control you?

In today's blog, I am going to talk about the methods a narcissist uses to control you.

Well, first they have to reel you in.

How do they do that?   By Love Bombing you.

First of all, narcissists are usually good looking, full of charisma, witty, charming, and everybody seems to like them.  People are very attracted to this persona, especially someone who is co-dependent, and an empath.  Empaths and narcissists are drawn together like a magnet.  And, empaths are an easy mark for the narcissist.

Okay, let's look at love bombing:

When you first meet, the attraction is instant.  On both sides.  You have so much in common.  You are the light of his life.  He tells you he's never met anybody like you, that you are beautiful, he loves your outfits and, overall, you are the most perfect person in the entire world.  Oh..........  And he looks at you adoringly.  Right into your eyes, where you may even feel uncomfortable.  You feel so loved, so adored.  But this, dear ones, is not an adoring look at all.  It is a narcissistic stare, however adoring it may seem.  When someone gazes right into your eyes for a long time where you feel it's reaching the nether regions of your soul, this is a narcissistic stare.  And I will go into full detail on narcissistic stares in other posts.

If you meet someone who is simply enthralled with you and, from that moment on, they never leave your side, call you constantly, and maybe even goes home with you and never leaves, you may be involved with a narcissist.  Here's your sign.

So, usually with a narcissist, you tend to move in together rather quickly,  And then you have a glorious Honeymoon period.  The Honeymoon period may be of a short duration, or it can last weeks, and even months.  But then, you settle in.  And this is when the abuse starts, ever so subtly.  Well, actually, it started the moment he met you.  But, this is when you start to see his true colors.

All of a sudden, you're not so wonderful anymore.  Where he told you how beautiful you were, now he suggests that maybe you're wearing too much makeup.  All of a sudden, he suggests that the clothes you are wearing aren't really appropriate, and things like that.  So, to make the narcissist happy, you change your clothes and don't put on so much makeup, or maybe none at all because he tells you that you don't need makeup, that you are beautiful without makeup.  You are already caught in his spell.  Or were you caught at the very beginning, when you first met?  He is now controlling you.

Gaslighting:

On doing my research, I came upon this.  "Gaslighting is one of the cruelest forms of brainwashing."  But it's done oh so smoothly.  Gaslighting is when a person says things to make you doubt yourself, question yourself.  Let me give you an example:

• You remind him of something he said.  It could have been the day before, maybe a few weeks before, months before, or even years before,   The narcissist looks at you with a quizzical look and tells you that's not true.  That THIS is what he said.  Yet, you know darned well what he said.  But he continues on and on explaining what he really supposedly said and even may end with.  You must have misunderstood me.  Okay.  That's the clincher statement.  And now you are doubtful that you even heard him correctly in the first place.  He has succeeded in changing your reality.

Now, keep in mind, that the narcissist does not work in the reality that the rest of us do.  The narcissist has created an alternate reality for himself and now he is ever so subtly dragging you into his reality,

In my last post I describe how a narcissist is made and their brain abnormalities.  If you haven't read it, go back and read it for more understanding.

Okay...........  So, after enough gaslighting about everything you do, hear, or even know, you end up being drawn into the narcissist's alternate reality.  This is called Cognitive Dissonance and you are no longer in the reality that the rest of the world is in.  You are in the narcissist's reality.  You actually don't know which way is up, what is real and not real.  

Now, in my last post I talked about how the narcissist has an abnormal brain.  The thing is, that Cognitive Dissonance also injures the brain.  Cognitive Dissonance injures the posterior part of the medial frontal cortex.  And, that part of the brain deciphers a good decision from a bad decision.  When this part of the brain is injured, your decision making is not at its best, because you are now living in the narcissist's alternate reality.

Not to worry, though.  This condition can be healed, but it is impossible to heal while living with the narcissist.  Once you have left, it is necessary for narcissistic victims to go through trauma therapy with a therapist that specializes in this type of therapy.  In time, you CAN get this part of your brain to work properly,

Shaming

This is done in private and in public.  The shaming is necessary to keep you where you belong and keep the narcissist above you, so to speak.  Again, this is very subtle.  For example, it could be a comment about you to where others laugh, but don't get the real meaning.  But YOU get the real meaning.  Now, look how the narcissist gets the upper hand in using this method.  You may be offended and call out the narcissist on his statement.  You may even get angry.  But the narcissist has maneuvered this in such a way that the other people did not get it.  Only you.  And when you call him out on the statement they think............  What is the matter with her?  And then, you look like the crazy person.  And this was the narcissist's intention all along.  And you played right into his hands.  There are many other forms of shaming that make you lose your self confidence.  Again, this is the narcissist's plan.  And what he is doing now is setting the stage for when you do leave, so when he starts his smear campaign against you, and you try to defend yourself, they will believe him, and you will look crazy,  And there is always the statement...............  I was just kidding.  You are left confused and in doubt, yet again.

Projection

When you want to talk about a problem in the relationship, or any other type of problem with the narcissist, you will see that the narcissist turns it all around.  Whatever it is, all of a sudden, he has turned it around so it is all your fault.  This is called projection.  He is projecting his traits on to you.  He may even say that you're the narcissist, that you're manipulating, demanding, and so on and so forth when, in fact, these are his traits.  The sad part is, that you may believe him, causing you to try harder.

Actually, a narcissist will always out himself.  You just have to know how to listen.  And usually he does this while projecting.  For example, has he ever accused you of something you didn't do?  Ruh Roh.  Whatever he's accusing you of, he probably did.  So, be aware.  If he accuses you of cheating, guess what,  He's probably the one cheating.  He will project what he's done onto you, making you more confused, angry, and feeling the need to defend yourself.  But don't even try, because you will never get the narcissist to admit to any wrongdoing.  You will never win.  No matter how hard you try.  Just realize what he is doing, and how he is outing himself.  

And just a note here,  You will never win in anything with the narcissist.  So, don't even try.  You will be the one that will come out looking bad, and he will come out looking like the benevolent, altruistic person.  Every single time.  They are too good, too subtle.  They are masters of manipulation, deceit, and everything else.  They always play the victim role and do it very well.  Actually, you fell for it when you first met him.

Silent Treatment

This is the cruelest form of punishment that there is.  When you displease a narcissist and he becomes angry with you, you will notice first the narcissistic stare, and then he will walk off.  Now, to be clear, not all narcissists do this, but many do.  This silent treatment may last days, weeks, or even months.  They do it so well that they go around the house doing their business as if you are not even in the house.  You feel like you're a ghost, just observing everything.  This is an extremely painful and damaging form of punishment,  And that is exactly what it is.............  PUNISHMENT.  You did something very wrong in their eyes and now you are going to pay,  When the narcissist eventually starts talking to you, and it may just be uttering a few words, you may feel relief, as if to say..........  The punishment is over, or it's almost over, and you hope you will be in the narcissist's good graces again.  

Your emotions and reasoning are not in tact.  Where you came into the relationship a happy, vibrant, emotional healthy person, now, you are merely a shell of your former self, totally dependent on the narcissist.  You are living in the narcissist's alternate reality.

Rage

You have not experienced anything until you experience the rage of a narcissistic person.  It is so bad that they shred you to pieces.  They say the cruelest things imaginable about you, and you cannot comprehend that they are actually doing this to you.  Now, keep in mind..............  In their rage, they may be projecting, and really outing themselves, but at the time, it is so ferocious, that you may just be dumbfounded.  And, of course, you can't get a word in edgewise.  

This type of treatment is very hurtful and demeaning.  You may cry for hours and feel bad about yourself for a very long time.  In the meantime, the narcissist has gotten over it in a short period of time and is acting as if nothing has happened.  When you address him on what he has said, or he may ask...............  What's wrong?.................. and you tell him, they then minimize what they have done, probably telling you that you are too sensitive and you take everything so seriously.  They may even say that they were not even yelling at all.  That they just had raised their voice and that your perception is wrong,  And you may end up in a state of confusion.  All this, my friends, is gaslighting.

The Blame Game

Last but not least, then there is the blame game.  A narcissist will never take responsibility for their own actions.  Every problem they have, every failure they have, is always somebody else's fault.  It's your fault, it's this person's fault, it's that person's fault.  It could be society's fault.  But, it is never their fault.  They are very good at playing the victim and, unfortunately, many people believe him and feel sorry for him because of the way he manipulates the stories and paints himself as the victim.

Okay, my dears.  The next blog will be about "when you do leave the narcissist".  The smear campaign that ensues, and the flying monkeys.

Remember,  be good to YOU.

What is a Narcissist?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) exhibits exaggerated feelings of self-importance, excessive need for admiration, and lack of empathy for others.

Leaving a narcissist is not easy.  Too much involved.  At the point that we are ready to leave a narcissist, we find that we are totally invested in the narcissist.  He is all that matters and we don't matter at all.  We have lost our sense of self.  Yet, if we stay, our life may be truly over.   Life with a narcissist can result in physical, mental, and emotional injury.  Victims of narcissists tend to develop anxiety disorders, which can progress to the point where they become suicidal, and it can result in their taking their own lives.  Living with a narcissist does not always include physical abuse.  But the emotional abuse may leave scars that last a lifetime.  Those who do leave narcissists tend to gravitate to other narcissists and the pattern is repeated.  The emotional prison is so severe, that sometimes it's hard to leave because children are involved, the victim has no (or very little) access to money, or both.  The thing is, you have been slowly molded and manipulated through the years to be in this prison.

How do people become narcissists?

They experience some type of tragedy or abuse as children that they cannot cope with.  They then develop certain defenses to override the insecurity they feel.  They develop a way of dealing with people where they demand admiration by others and feed off attention.  It doesn't matter if it's good or bad attention, as long as they are receiving attention.  They put themselves first in everything  and other people are not even secondary,  they just don't matter at all.  They learn how to use people to serve their needs.   And here is a perfect example of the phrase:  If you don't use it, you lose it.  By building these defenses and implementing those harmful behaviors toward others, they don't use the limbic system in their brain and, over time, that part of the brain becomes inactive.  It petrifies, thus making it impossible to feel emotions, especially empathy towards others.

The brain of a narcissist is  wired differently from the brain of a person who doesn't have this disorder.  Research has found that the personality of the narcissist reflects the abnormality in their brain.

Let's look at the abnormality in the brain of a narcissist:

The limbic system is the emotional center of the brain.  The limbic system comprises of the hypothalamus, the hippocampus, the amygdala and other parts of the brain.  The limbic system is primarily responsible for our emotional life.

But, for the purpose of this blog, I am going to focus on the amygdala.  The amygdala plays a central role in emotional perception and our responses.  The amygdala of a narcissist has shrunken and, therefore, feels no empathy.

This malfunction in the amygdala explains why the narcissist is not concerned about how he treats other people.

My next blog will be about how the narcissist reels you in and the methods he uses to control you emotionally.