When Your Parent is a Narcissist

The narcissistic parent has no respect for his/her children and their boundaries.   The children are nothing but pawns to be controlled.  However,  this control does not end when the child becomes an adult.  It continues through life until the narcissist passes or the child says............  Enough.

When you have a narcissistic parent,  from the minute you're born, you have already experienced your first setback in life.  Even as a baby, you don't get the love and attention you deserve.  You are not loved, you are ignored, and may even ignite the narcissist's wrath.  When a baby does not live in a loving and happy environment, it becomes damaged.  Already, the psychological injury is taking its toll.  The hippocampus, which is in the limbic system of the brain, does not develop properly, and this is the region of the brain which is responsible for memory, learning and stress responses.  It also affects the amygdala, which is responsible for emotional reactions.  So, by the time that baby reaches childhood, already, its reality is not the same as it is for other children.  The child now lives in the narcissist's alternate reality.

Narcissists are unable to love and, unfortunately, this is also true with regard to their own children.  So, the child of a narcissist has trouble navigating childhood, going through school and socializing with their peers.  During adulthood, they may think that the hard part is over and that their world is now in their own hands but, not so.  The narcissist is right behind them, still exercising their control, manipulation and wrath on their adult child.  And if the narcissist should pass on, the child has those ghosts of the past subtly speaking to them subconsciously.  Not to mention, the relationship choices the adult child will make throughout life.

When a narcissist uses his methods to devalue adults, they become "broken" and lose their identity.  How can a child withstand this manipulation and punishment?  Simply put, he can't.  Such methods as gaslighting, narcissistic rages, projection, shaming, and worst of all, the silent treatment, breaks the child's spirit.  All these methods are cruel and unjust ways to treat a child, but the silent treatment is worst of all.  The silent treatment inflicts pain without physical bruising.  The silent treatment activates the brain stem, the thalamus and the cerebral cortex.  These are the three parts of the brain through which pain is felt.  Furthermore, a recipient of the silent treatment feels powerless, intimidated, guilty, and insignificant,    And, both gaslighting and the silent treatment are methods used in interrogating POW's.  It is not only devastating for an adult, but so much more for a child that has no emotional defenses.

So, by the time the child is an adult and leaves the nest, the child has been abused and ignored through his entire life.  So, what is going to happen is that the child will go out into the world with a psychological disorder.  He/She may even be developing their own narcissistic attributes as a defense mechanism against the world.

Needless to say, when it is time to choose a partner, the child will unknowingly fall into an unhealthy relationship, choosing a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath to go through life with.  And, taking into consideration their childhood experience, he may think that this type of relationship is normal.  The child that has become a narcissist, on the other hand, will choose his own victim, who may have very likely had a narcissistic parent, and the abusive circle continues.

This reminds me of something that my mother said during her last years of life, which actually surprised me.  "You never stood a chance."

Do we, victims of narcissism stand a chance?  Yes we do.  We are very resilient.  I have been told that personally and, on doing my research, I came across an author who said that victims of narcissistic abuse are the most resilient people that he has ever met.  Of course, healing must take place and this will take time.  But each day we will become more confident and more comfortable in our own bodies..  More importantly, we will learn how to love and nurture ourselves, something we never learned to do.

But, in a way, my mother was right.  It seems as though we don't stand a chance, taking into consideration the psychological and maybe physical abuse we have endured.  But now we know, and healing can take place.  Life can begin to blossom into a beautiful experience,.  It wasn't our fault after all!  We were not bad children and we are not bad adults!  What a concept!  These were lies told to us by the people who were supposed to love and protect us. 

This is the beginning of healing.  We do not have to live our lives as insignificant and unworthy people,  Because, WE ARE WORTHY.

And, of course, I can't forget this reminder .............  Be GOOD to YOU. 

When a Narcissist Discards You, Especially During the Holidays (VIDEO)

When a Narcissist "Discards" You

When a narcissist is done with a relationship, he simply "discards" the partner.  Now, a narcissist will not just discard and cut himself off from any type of supply.  The narcissist will have backup supply.  He's been priming someone else to take your place.  Fresh supply, so to speak.  

If you are discarded, the narcissist will not hoover, because his new supply is keeping him "full."

By the way, I did not misspell the word hover.  Hoover is a narcissistic term used instead of hover, because they suck you in.  As in the "Hoover" vacuum cleaner.

While I'm on this subject, let me go over other lingo used in the narcissistic community.

Gaslight:  An extremely cruel form of brainwashing that makes you doubt yourself and the reality you live in.

Flying Monkeys:  People who believe everything the narcissist tells them and who do the narcissist's bidding.  Adopted from The Wizard of Oz; the wicked witch who had her flying monkeys do her bidding.

Gray Rock:  When you don't participate in the narcissist's drama.  You don't react when they push your buttons.

Love Bombing:  The initial display of love, attention and gifts.

Smear Campaign:  When the narcissist obliterates your character to his flying monkeys.

Discard:  When the narcissist no longer needs you.

Projection:  When the narcissist attributes his own negative traits on to you.

Narcissistic Rage:  This occurs when some type of injury is triggered.  It can be the smallest slight.  This is one of those times when he projects onto you his negative traits,

Shaming:  Making you feel worthless by the things he says.  

Devalue:  When the love bombing stops and the narcissist starts in with condescending statements, raging at you, shaming, ignoring you...........  When you start feeling like a piece of furniture.

Silent Treatment:  When the narcissist doesn't talk to you or even acknowledge that you exist.  This can be done effectively even while living in the same house.  It can go on for days, months, and I've heard tell, even years.

And there are more............

Keep in mind, that the gaslighting stage starts when you first meet the narcissist, during the love bombing stage.  They have to prime you and make sure that you will be a suitable supply,

But, back to what I was saying.........  Being discarded can be very hurtful, especially if you are still in love with the narcissist.  You may think............  What did I do wrong?  You have done nothing wrong.  You are the one who has been wronged.  In fact, if you have been discarded, be thankful and just move on.  Of course, please go to therapy so you can work on why you became attracted to the narcissist in the first place.  Chances, you are co-dependent or an empath, or maybe both.   And during your time with the narcissist, you have been psychologically wounded,

However, the narcissist may very well be back and start the love bombing process all over again,  It could be weeks, months, or even years after the discard takes place. This happens when either the new supply does not meet his expectations, or he's gone through the love bombing and devalue stage.  Maybe she escaped.  And, escape is the proper term for when you leave the narcissist because, in reality, you are literally escaping.

Anyway, if the narcissist is low on supply, he may start hoovering and love bombing you to reel you back in.  Don't let him do it.  Because there will be a short honeymoon period and it will go back to the way it was, maybe even worse.  If you are reeled in after you escape, he may very well punish you for leaving.

After either being discarded or escaping, it is important to go "no contact" to a place where he can't find you and never answer any phone calls or emails.  Don't even read the emails.  Just delete them.  No, he doesn't still love you.  He "needs" your supply.  Or he wants to keep you on the back burner for future supply.

Being discarded can seem to be the most hurtful thing you have ever endured.  But, in reality, it is a blessing in disguise.

In the end, the most important thing of all..............  Be GOOD to YOU.

There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays........ Eh, maybe not.

There's no Place like Home for the Holidays.....Or maybe not.

Thanksgiving is just a few days away and it seems as though the Christmas Spirit is falling down on the masses.   I have very warm thoughts having to do with holidays.  Thanksgiving is my all time favorite.  Gathered around the table enjoying a feast with family and friends, being thankful and just enjoying each other.  I always envision a warm cozy setting,  Makes me want to jump up right now to get a cup of warm cocoa..........  with marshmallows.  And then we have Christmas.  Getting up in the morning and opening up presents under the Christmas tree............  Of course with a warm cup of cocoa.  Then, having a nice breakfast and maybe going to visit friends and relatives with presents.  Such an Aaaaaaah moment!  And, of course, the festivities continue through New Year's Day!  Those were my holidays of yesteryear and oh, how I loved them. 

But if you're living with a narcissist, the upcoming holidays may cause feelings of dread.  Or complacency.............  Just another day.

Holidays get in the way of narcissists because, during this time, the attention isn't focused on them.  You're busy buying gifts, preparing for the wonderful holiday meals, putting up decorations, and so forth.  But then................ the narcissist always manages to spoil everything.  For the narcissist, this is the season to devalue and maybe even discard.  

Let me tell you about my first Christmas with the narcissist.  I was busy preparing for Christmas and buying gifts for him and was so excited to be spending our first Christmas together.  On Christmas Day, after having breakfast, I happily gave him his gifts.  He looked at me with a blank look and said................  Oh, I didn't get you anything.  DEVALUE.  Well, at that moment, all my joy dropped to the ground, crashing down like painful shards of glass.  Any happy emotion deflated.  So, trying to make the best of everything,  I watched him open his gifts.  Every Christmas he would go camping with a relative and this was no exception.  A little while later, we ate Christmas Dinner and right afterwards, he left to go camping and was gone for a couple of days.  So, there I was alone on Christmas.  I did not matter.  Why didn't I get that?  Because I had been with him since the prior June and had already been the subject of enough gaslighting and, not only that, but I had been involved with narcissists all my life and wasn't aware of it.  So, I may have very well entered the relationship confused, thinking that I didn't matter anyway.  And you know, they give themselves away.  He used to use this phrase quite often...........  Who are you going to believe?  Me, or your lying eyes?  It was right there all the time!  Now, don't get me wrong.  It's not necessary to have family and friends around to have a wonderful Christmas.  Christmas can be extra wonderful when you spend it with a special someone.  The companionship, the comfort, the closeness.  But, apparently, I wasn't that special person.  His relative was.

From then on, we did exchange gifts, but it was the same old thing.  He'd always go camping on Christmas Day and sometimes even before.  Also on New Year's day and, while I'm at it, Easter, Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day, and here we are back to Thanksgiving.  After a couple of years, I stopped celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas because.............  Why bother?  He was never there.  At best, we'd have dinner and then he'd either go camping or go on the computer, or do something else.  So, Thanksgiving and Christmas became just another day. 

However, I learned to enjoy the holidays on my own.  I would snuggle up on the couch and binge on Christmas movies with a hot cup of cocoa.  Of course, with marshmallows.  You CAN enjoy holidays when you're alone.  Make it a special time.  You can bask in your own company, do things you enjoy, heck you can even go out or spend time with family or friends.  Just because the narcissist isn't doing anything to contribute, doesn't mean you have to go along with his program.  And sometimes, I would go visiting, just to relax and have some enjoyable time.

Other narcissists may spoil a family gathering with their negative behavior, such as outbursts, maybe taking this opportunity to shame you in front of others,,,,,,,,,  And you end up embarrassed, maybe mortified.  There is no limit to what they can do.  After all, the holiday season is not about the narcissist and, somehow, they have to make it all about themselves.  Even if they have to get negative  attention.  Supply is supply.  By the way, let me say here that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER'S ACTIONS.  No matter who they are.  So, let that be on them, not you.

If this is your first holiday season with a narcissist, be prepared for what is to come.  Guaranteed, it will not be pleasant.  You may end up disappointed, or maybe hurt to the core.  If you've been with a narcissist for several years, well you know what's coming.

Instead of being apathetic this holiday season, or even worse, make Christmas about yourself.  Don't let anybody destroy this special time for you.  Do things that you enjoy, whether it's celebrating at home doing things you enjoy, or going out to a friend or relative's house.  Let the narcissist do what he does and don't let it affect you.  If he has a narcissistic rage because you're enjoying the holidays. don't react.  Just observe.  And don't let it get to you.  This is called the grey rock treatment, which I will cover in detail in another post.  The grey rock treatment is when you don't react to what he's saying, however many of your buttons he pushes.

So, this holiday season, don't let anyone spoil it for you.  Be Merry!

Be GOOD to you,  

How do you make sure you never get involved with a narcissist again?

The only way you can make sure you never get involved with a narcissist again is to set boundaries.  Keep in mind, there are 1 in 4 people that are narcissists in the United States and, chances are, you will meet and be drawn to another narcissist.  Remember, you and narcissists are like magnets.  You may be co-dependent or an empath and that is the strong attraction.  Narcissists are drawn to people like you, especially if you have not healed.  The last thing you need is to be drawn into another narcissistic relationship.

First of all, after leaving a narcissist, you need time to heal.  You have serious emotional and mental wounds that must be given time to heal.  Just jumping into another relationship could lead to another disaster, which you do not need.

Why are boundaries so important?

Even if you have educated yourself on narcissistic traits and know all the signs, that is not enough.  And this is because they are very smooth.  They will study you, mirror you, and tell you exactly what you want to hear.  They are very good at sizing up people.  The only way that you can absolutely recognize them is when they have crossed a boundary.  Set those boundaries and be certain that when a boundary is crossed, just once,  that's your signal to get up and leave.  Now, be certain that a narcissist WILL cross boundaries.  They always do.  They do this to see what you will allow and what you will not allow.  During the beginning phase of the relationship, the narcissist in studying you.  That adoring look that they hold for so long is actually studying you.  Not adoring you.  Realize that that's what is called a Narcissistic Stare.  It is important to be aware of these subtle signs. 

Other signs to look out for:  When they smile, do their eyes also smile?  A narcissist's eyes will not smile.  Now, there are other reasons why eyes don't smile.  For example, if a person is sad or depressed, their eyes will not smile, and with a keen eye, you can tell which is which.  But be aware of the body language, what the person you have just met is doing at all times.

Another sign is if that they may be touchy-feely on the first date, or even soon after,.  How does that touch make you feel?  Do you feel uncomfortable?  If you do, he has just crossed a boundary.  It is okay, to tell him that you are uncomfortable and, if he doesn't back off, he's crossing a boundary. 

These boundaries must be intentionally set because, otherwise, you may just "let it go,"  Never "let go" of something you are uncomfortable with.  Again, during this "affectionate" period, the narcissist is just studying you to see how pliable you are.  IT IS NOT AFFECTION!  Remember, narcissists sociopaths and psychopaths are not called "Body Snatchers" and "Energy Vampires" for no reason.  Narcissists cannot feel love or empathy because of the abnormality in their brains, and it is important to know this.

Actually, anything that feels uncomfortable or unwanted is crossing a boundary.  Pay attention to your feelings.  Your body will tell you the truth.  Your gut knows.   Have deal breakers.  Figure out what you consider a boundary and deal breaker to be.  A boundary can be negotiated.  Say, the narcissist puts his arm around you and you tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable.  If he backs off and respects that boundary, it's okay.  But, if not, you know it's not okay.  A deal breaker is something different.  That is something that you will not tolerate.  For example, a complete deal breaker would be if he goes into your purse for whatever reason.  Keep in mind, after he goes into your purse, he will go into your home, your bank account, important records, and it will never stop.  Something like that would be a signal to get up and leave immediately.  And, for this reason, with any first date, you should always meet somewhere with your own separate cars.  That way, if you must leave, you won't be dependent on the narcissist to take you home.

In anything, pay attention to your feelings.  They will never lead you astray.  It is when you ignore those feelings that you will be led astray.  Maybe not that night, the next day, the next week but, eventually you will be led to the deepest depths of hell.

Actually, even with your day-to-day life.   If you don't feel like doing something, then don't do it.  Learn to not be imposed on and to also draw boundaries in yourday-to-day life.

And, okay...............  This is the end of this post.  If you have any other examples of crossing boundaries, please leave them in the comments.

And remember..................  Always be GOOD to YOU>

Listen to your Feelings. Be True to Yourself

Narcissists and Sociopaths and Psychopaths, Oh My!

In my first few posts, I have been talking mainly about narcissists.  Now, I am going to expand it further to sociopaths and psychopaths.

Firstly, all sociopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are sociopaths.

Secondly, all psychopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are psychopaths.

Now, the word "Psychopath" is misunderstood.  We may automatically think of blood thirsty killers that are portrayed on television and the movies.  But, in reality,  very few psychopaths are anything like those depictions.  So, rest easy as you read this blog.

Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths, although having their own characteristics, also have overlapping characteristics, making it confusing to distinguish.

So, let me describe the characteristics of each.  Let's start from the bottom and go up:

The Traits of a Narcissist, known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are:

1.  Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.

2.  Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3.  Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

4.  Requires excessive admiration.  Regularly fishes for compliments, and is highly susceptible to flattery.

5.  Has a sense of entitlement.

6.  Is interpersonally exploitative.

7.  Lacks empathy: is unwilling (actually unable), to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8.  Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

9.  Shows arrogant, haughty (rude and abusive) behaviors or attitudes.


The Traits of a Sociopath (known as Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD)) are:

1,  Callous unconcern for the feelings of others.

2.  Gross and persistent attitude of  irresponsibility and disregard for social norms and obligations.

3.  Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them,.

4.  Very low tolerance to frustration, a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.

5.  Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalization for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.


And, last but not least, the traits of a Psychopath (also known as Antisocial Personality Disorder):

1.  Pathological lying.

2.  Glibness and superficial charm.

3.  Grandiose sense of self worth.

4.  Being cunning and manipulative.

5.  Shallow emotions.

6.  Callousness and lack of empathy.

7.  Failure to accept responsibility for their own acts.

8.  A lack of realistic long-term goals.

9.  Impulsivity.

10. Irresponsibility.

11. Poor behavior controls.

12. Susceptible of revocation of parole.

13. Criminal versatility.

14. Promiscuous sexual behavior.

15.  Many marital relationships.

Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths are quite prevalent among us.  

1 in every 6 people are narcissists. 

1 in every 25 people are sociopaths.

Many statistical reports state than 1 in 25 people are psychopaths, but they also lump them in the category of sociopaths, so this is unclear to me.  Other reports claim that 1 in 200 people are psychopaths, and I actually tend to give this number more credibility.

You will find narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths in prominent positions in business settings.  For example, there are many CEO's, clergy, ministers, pastors, psychologists, government officials, and so forth, that are psychopaths.  So, everywhere you go, be aware of who you are actually engaging with.

After doing my research, I learned that my particular narcissist was actually a sociopath.  Besides narcissistic traits, he also exhibited characteristics of all the sociopathic traits .  

So, look at these traits and determine if you're living with, or even know a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath.

Until next time:

Be GOOD to YOU. 

Leaving a Narcissist

Ho boy.  This is a tough one.  It is not easy to leave a narcissist.

By the time you can't take anymore and you are ready to leave a narcissist, you are spent,.  Where you were happy, vibrant, balanced, and emotionally stable when you entered the relationship, you are now a shell of your former self.  And this is because you have gone through years (maybe decades) of emotional abuse.  Now, I want to emphatically state that if you are going through physical abuse...............  LEAVE.  Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths who are violent can very well kill you.  Even if you have to go to a shelter.  Staying can very well mean the loss of your life.

But, back to what I was saying...........  They don't call narcissists body snatchers and energy vampires for no reason.  They literally live off your energy and after years with them, you are depleted and confused because of all the mind altering methods they use to control you.

So........... when you are ready to leave, make a plan.  Have all your little ducks in a row.  Go somewhere safe, where there's peace and quiet and GOOD ENERGY.  The energy you're living under is completely toxic,.  Maybe move in with a friend, or family.  But make sure the friend or family member is supportive.  Now, it may be necessary to do this because it is completely possible that the narcissist has taken and/or used all your money.  They have the mindset................  What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine.  You might be getting  an allowance, but certainly not enough to live on.   So, chances are, you don't have the resources to leave and, if you have children, this complicates matters.  So, take your time and work out a viable plan.

Now it's time to tell the narcissist you are leaving, or you can slip out the back, Jack...........  as the song says.  When you tell the narcissist you are leaving, your plan must be in place and you must be ready to walk out right then and there.  This is important because if you don't, the narcissist will sweet talk you into staying.  They will change their ways, they will be more considerate, blah blah.  Whatever you tell him what the problem is, he will promise that he will change, and he may seem very sincere and even loving.  This is a trap.  This is called love bombing.  Once you settle back in, the emotional roller coaster will continue.  You might have a day, a week, maybe two weeks where everything is okay but, then, when you've settled in again, the abuse will continue.  And this is because he's not done with you yet.  He can still get supply from you.  He does not mean a word he says.  And this is because a narcissist does not love you.  He NEEDS you.  He needs your energy.   If you don't fall for the snow job he's giving you, then you will see that his attitude changes.  You may very well witness a narcissistic rage, yet again.  Now, it's important not to react, because you already know what they do to control you.  They will use guilt, shame, they will say any issues in the relationship are your fault.  No matter what hurtful and demeaning things the narcissist may say, stay calm.  This is what all narcissists do.  So, just observe.  Don't react, because this is what he wants you to do.  By reacting you give him more supply.  Just stay calm and leave.

Okay, you've left the narcissist.  It is better if you go to a place that he's not familiar with at all.  It's best to disappear.  And, No Contact is the best option.  Because if they know where you are, he will start love bombing you, promising all sorts of things, and they are so smooth and good at it, that you may very well go back.  Think of what you've been through.  It is not going to change.  But, be aware that he will start a smear campaign on you, the likes of which you have never seen before.  He will smear your character outside in and inside out.  This may be very hurtful and may very well make you angry,  even making you wanting to get even.  However, DO NOTHING.  And I'm sorry, but this is one of the times when you'll find out who your real friends are.  And, you will never win.  The reason you will never win, is because the narcissist is too good and before you find out that he's trashing you and your character, he will have already started your smear campaign with everyone he and you know.  And they will believe him.  So, if you come along and try to right wrongs and tell everyone the real story, they will not believe you.  In fact, you will most likely, in some way, reinforce what the narcissist has said about you, leaving you frustrated, angry and hurt.

Going to the narcissist and reasoning with him also does not work.  Because they have no empathy.  And this is what they do.  Arguing with the narcissist, also does not work.  By doing any or all of these things, you are giving supply to the narcissist and providing him with the drama he needs.  Narcissists LOVE drama.  So, don't play the game.  By the way, revenge will not work either.  You cannot win in this situation either and, actually, it's not real good for your karma.  Just go live your life and go forward.  And, actually, this is the best revenge for the narcissist, because you are not playing his game.  You are not fueling him with any of your supply.  And this drives them crazy.  So, doing nothing is your best alternative.

Lastly, the people that he he uses to smear you and who may actually also do his bidding, are called flying monkeys.  And this is taken from the Wizard of Oz, from the witch who had all the flying monkeys do her bidding.  If you spot a flying monkey, stay away from them, because they believe the narcissist.  Remember, narcissists are very good at playing the victim card.  And, besides, you have been a victim long enough.  Don't put yourself in another situation where you will end up the victim again.  Narcissists will chew you up and spit you out without giving it a second thought.

Okay, my dears, my next blog will be about...............  Are you dealing with a narcissist, a sociopath, or a psychopath?

Be well and................ Be GOOD to yourself.