Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the most common type of personality disorders.  While it may appear to be narcissistic behavior to others, it is not.  People with BPD have emotions that run very deep.  In fact, their emotions are intense and exaggerated.  They will take offense at the slightest comment, even when no offense was meant.  In other words, people with BPD are very fragile.  BPD causes severe instability in self-image, behavior, mood and personal relationships.  This disorder, therefore, gets in the way of every aspect of everyday life, such as work, social relationships and even family life.  The reason the word "borderline" is used is because they are thought to be on the border of psychosis and neurosis.  2% of the population suffers with BPD.  And, interestingly enough, more women than men suffer from this type of personality disorder.  Although, BPD is very treatable, treatment is more successful when it is diagnosed in its early stages, and it must be done by a therapist that specializes in BPD.  Going to the wrong type of therapist can actually make a person worse.

As with so many psychological disorders, the brain of someone with BPD is injured.  The limbic system is hypersensitive and their amygdala may very well be swollen, making the emotional input that they receive to be exaggerated.  This accounts for the major mood swings and their volatile responses when they perceive that they are being abandoned.

Borderline Personality Disorder usually presents itself during adolescence and early adulthood.  One of the causes is thought to be genetic, which would mean that they inherit this condition from theeir ancestors, and it is also the result of childhood abuse and/or trauma.

What criteria is necessary for a person to be at risk for developing BPD?

1.  If you have a family member with BPD.

2.  If you felt emotionally unstable as a child.

3.  If you were emotionally and/or physically abused as a child.

4.  If you developed a fear of abandonment as a child.

People with BPD suffer from an intense fear of abandonment.  In my opinion, this is the most threatening fear they have.  Thinking that they are at risk of being abandoned by someone, may trigger volatile behavior.  The trigger could even be as insignificant as a reasonable short-term separation.  They may feel that this perceived abandonment is because they did something wrong.  The reason this fear is so intense is because people with BPD have an intense intolerance to being left alone.  They would much rather be with other people.  And, this is the reason why, when someone befriends them, they make that person the center of their lives.  They tend to idealize them.

However, if they perceive that this friend is going to abandon them, these feelings turn into intense hatred,  This can happen for something as simple as the new friend spending time with someone else, without including them.  Again, the person with BPD  may very well think that they did something wrong and that's why their friend does not want to spend time with him/her.  Impulsive, violent, and/or self-destructive behavior is the result of these  frightening and intense feelings.  Because of this particular fear, they tend to have intense, unstable and difficult relationships.

Other traits are:

1.  Very poor self-image.

2.  Self-destructive, impulsive behavior.

3.  Suicidal threats and attempts which, of course, can be successful.

4.  Extreme mood swings.

5.  Feeling empty inside, feelings of isolation or being ostracized by humanity.

6.  When under severe stress, short-lived psychotic episodes.

7.  Self-mutilation.

And, let me touch on self-mutilation.

When cutting themselves, the pain they feel replaces their anguish and emotional pain.  When blood starts  surfacing and spilling over, they feel a substantial sense of relief.  It almost seems to detonate the emotional bomb that is about to explode inside them.

People with BPD feel unworthy of love but, yet, try to look for love from the people around them.

That's why I said above that I feel that fear of abandonment is their number one issue, because love is the bottom line for all of us.  The feeling of not being loved alone can be the cause of BPD and so many other psychological conditions.  Showing them how to build realistic relationships with trust may be the most important aspect of recovery.

If you or a loved one suffers from BPD it is crucial to get a therapist that specializes in Borderline Personality Disorders.

What is the difference between Overt and Covert Narcissists?

Today, we are going to talk about the two types of narcissists, overt and covert.  

An overt narcissists is the most obvious.  An overt narcissist does not try to temper their behavior in front of others.  He/She acts out in public by being aggressive, causing arguments and in general, being unruly.  An overt narcissist is arrogant, demanding, pompous and boastful.  An overt narcissist exhibits grandiose behavior, demands that he receives special treatment, portrays himself as the most knowledgeable in a special field, or many fields, and expects everyone's admiration.  However, he is easily offended should he not get the admiration he feels he deserves and, should he receive any type of criticism, it might very well ignite a narcissistic rage. 

An overt narcissist exploits people ruthlessly in his quest for power and control.   He has the potential to obtain power and material wealth, but always at the expense of others.  If these people do not obtain the success they desire, they may make up phony credentials to make others believe that they are, indeed, powerful and successful.

A covert narcissist, on the other hand, is discreet, although no less dangerous.  The covert narcissist does not present a grandiose self to the world.  Instead, he lives within, fantasizing about these non-existent attributes.

The covert narcissist tends to be depressed and withdrawn.  He may suffer with anxiety and he may be pessimistic and unmotivated.  He tries to get other people to do his bidding,  And, when the covert narcissist has problems in his life (which he created) he will blame everyone and everything around him as to why his life is not going as he thinks it should be.   Being passive-aggressive, he subtly projects all of his feelings of inadequacy to those who are close to him.  It may be gaslighting during a casual conversation or it may even be during a narcissistic rage.  

Both the overt and covert narcissist feels unworthy.  They feel shame and insecurity, while having a very low self-esteem.  They are envious of other people, or pretend that other people are envious of them.  Other negative emotions include anger, hatred, and they have the need to control others.   They both lie, manipulate, withhold love, slander, and abandon people, just to intentionally hurt them.  They both exploit people to get whatever they need.    Both types of narcissists will help themselves to your house, money, resources and energy, leaving you drained or even sick. 

Keep in mind, that when a covert narcissist loses control, when they see that your supply may be in question, when things start falling apart for them, they will transition from being a covert to an overt narcissist.  This will take their partner by surprise, as they are used to one type of narcissist and then, all of a sudden they find themselves with an overt narcissist.  The sudden narcissistic rages will blow the partner away, so to speak, and they won't know what to do with this new situation.  You may think that this type of behavior may just be temporary (maybe he's having a bad day, maybe he's too stressed), but once the covert narcissist turns into an overt narcissist, they can only focus on what they want, making life unbearable.  If your supply is in question, they may turn to being cruel and vindictive.  All of a sudden, everything that has gone wrong is your fault.  And this is where a lot of projection takes place, most likely during narcissistic rages.  You will be undermined, shamed, and abused in other ways.   However, when you react or try to defend yourself, the whole situation is turned around to make it seem as though you are the problem.  When you react in anger, he will say something like............  Look at you.  Look how you are behaving.  And he will make you believe that you are the problem.  Then, you will be left feeling ashamed of the way you acted and you may even think that YOU are the problem.  Keep in mind that during this outburst, you have received strong gaslighting and projection.  But then notice that you are left feeling bad about yourself, while the narcissist is just fine.

Now, keep in mind that narcissistic traits are not one size fits all.  These traits may very well overlap in different kinds of narcissists.  Just be aware that entering into a relationship with a narcissist is very dangerous.  They can steal your money, assets, energy, and even your personality, leaving you fragile, when you were once strong and independent.  A narcissist doesn't have to be violent in order to kill.  He can kill you by psychological manipulation.  You may end up with psychological problems that may very well end up in physical illness, chronic physical illness, or acute illness that can very well take your life.  Inward turmoil can result in serious diseases such as multiple sclerosis, lupus, grave's disease,  and other autoimmune diseases.  It can even result in cancer,.

There is good reason why they are called energy vampires and body snatchers.  Because this is what they do.

Stop Feeling Sorry for the Narcissist

There are times that we leave the narcissist with no supply.  When this happens, the narcissist goes into crisis mode.  Not just because he has lost you as the primary supply, but your leaving has caused his/her life to fall into complete crisis.

Why is that?  Simply because you are the one that held everything together.  Chances are, you paid the bills, you are the one that put food on the table, etc., while, at the same time, the narcissist was taking from your own private funds, to the point that you realized that you were now left with practically nothing.

When we leave the narcissist in this type of situation, a lot of us tend to feel guilty and sorry for them.  And, we may even try to help them.  Even as we are leaving the narcissist, we may realize that his life will be destroyed and even as we leave, we feel guilty.  We still feel responsible for that person.

Since when are we responsible for the wellbeing of others?  WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN WELLBEING and, of course, the wellbeing of our minor children.  But, through our being empaths and being co-dependent, and through gaslighting, projection and other cruel and abusive methods they use, we have grown to feel responsible for them.  

Now, if you were raised by a narcissistic parent, or parents, the damage has already been done.  Chances are that you felt responsible for them as a child, and even as an adult.  That you felt responsible for their happiness.  You blamed yourself for their narcissistic rages toward you.  You believed that you were bad and, therefore, you deserved everything you got.  I remember thinking as a child............  If I were only perfect, my daddy would love me.  How sad.  The truth is..............  IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, and the fact that you gravitated to another narcissist and were further victimized was also NOT YOUR FAULT.  A serious brain injury, called Cognitive Dissonance, was inflicted on you during the 18 or so years that you were raised by your parents.  And, then you left the nest and navigated into the relationship that you are in now with an injured brain.  You cannot make good decisions.  The part of the brain responsible for that has been injured,   You are subject to gaslighting, projection, and all of the other methods the narcissist uses to psychologically abuse and wound you, without your even being aware of what is being done to you.  Because, if you were raised by a narcissistic parent, you are used to it, and you may think that this is even normal behavior.

And............  Who is responsible for the narcissist's dilemma and your being in this situation?  The narcissist, through his irresponsible behavior, financially and otherwise.  You've been left in a financial condition where you are just scraping by and the narcissist is asking you for help.  Thereby destroying you more, financially and emotionally, by pulling at your heart strings,

Now, keep in mind that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths have overlapping traits.  But in this blog I am describing a sociopath.  Let us review the traits of a sociopaths.

1,  Callous unconcern for the feelings of others.

2.  Gross and persistent attitude of  irresponsibility and disregard for social norms and obligations.

3.  Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them,.

4.  Very low tolerance to frustration, a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.

5.  Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalization for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.

Do these ring a bell?  When you catch yourself feeling sorry for the narcissist/sociopath, think back as to why you left.  

If you do decide to help the narcissist, notice how you feel.  Chances are, you will not feel good about it.  You will feel imposed upon and used, yet again.  Listen to these feelings and let the narcissist deal with his own crisis, which he caused, by the way.

A narcissist is like a person that is chemically dependent.  What is happening here is that you are enabling him or her, just as a person enables someone who is dependent on chemical substances.  Until they hit bottom, they will not change their behavior.  As long as they have you to depend on for anything, they will not do what is necessary to survive on their own,

Why do we feel sorry for them?  Why do we still feel responsible for their wellbeing when we know that they won't use whatever we do to help effectively?  It's like putting more wood in a blazing fire.  Could it be because of the psychological damage that he/she or even prior narcissists have inflicted upon us?  Cognitive Dissonance comes to mind.  We can't think straight, we're confused.  We can't make reasonable decisions.  And we are still being manipulated by the narcissist.  They are experts in manipulation and they are experts in pushing our reactive buttons.

That is why, when we leave a narcissist, it's important to go "no contact".  Hopefully, somewhere far away.  Block the phone number.  And, if there has to be contact, say if minor children are involved, only keep communications open through email, where you have a chance to digest everything he says, instead of immediately reacting.  If there are minor children involved, get an attorney right away and do things legally.

In the meantime, these reactions are a sign that we have not healed.  That is why it is so important to get immediate help from a therapist who specializes in Trauma Therapy and Narcissistic Abuse.  I have personally found out that not all therapists are familiar with narcissistic abuse.  I have found myself in the position of educating these therapists on narcissistic abuse.  

Especially during the Holidays, think about what I've written in this post, and be aware when the narcissist contacts you for help.  First thing to do is to notice how you feel.  And then go with that feeling.  It's okay to say "no".

Focus on being GOOD to YOU.