Stop Feeling Sorry for the Narcissist

There are times that we leave the narcissist with no supply.  When this happens, the narcissist goes into crisis mode.  Not just because he has lost you as the primary supply, but your leaving has caused his/her life to fall into complete crisis.

Why is that?  Simply because you are the one that held everything together.  Chances are, you paid the bills, you are the one that put food on the table, etc., while, at the same time, the narcissist was taking from your own private funds, to the point that you realized that you were now left with practically nothing.

When we leave the narcissist in this type of situation, a lot of us tend to feel guilty and sorry for them.  And, we may even try to help them.  Even as we are leaving the narcissist, we may realize that his life will be destroyed and even as we leave, we feel guilty.  We still feel responsible for that person.

Since when are we responsible for the wellbeing of others?  WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN WELLBEING and, of course, the wellbeing of our minor children.  But, through our being empaths and being co-dependent, and through gaslighting, projection and other cruel and abusive methods they use, we have grown to feel responsible for them.  

Now, if you were raised by a narcissistic parent, or parents, the damage has already been done.  Chances are that you felt responsible for them as a child, and even as an adult.  That you felt responsible for their happiness.  You blamed yourself for their narcissistic rages toward you.  You believed that you were bad and, therefore, you deserved everything you got.  I remember thinking as a child............  If I were only perfect, my daddy would love me.  How sad.  The truth is..............  IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, and the fact that you gravitated to another narcissist and were further victimized was also NOT YOUR FAULT.  A serious brain injury, called Cognitive Dissonance, was inflicted on you during the 18 or so years that you were raised by your parents.  And, then you left the nest and navigated into the relationship that you are in now with an injured brain.  You cannot make good decisions.  The part of the brain responsible for that has been injured,   You are subject to gaslighting, projection, and all of the other methods the narcissist uses to psychologically abuse and wound you, without your even being aware of what is being done to you.  Because, if you were raised by a narcissistic parent, you are used to it, and you may think that this is even normal behavior.

And............  Who is responsible for the narcissist's dilemma and your being in this situation?  The narcissist, through his irresponsible behavior, financially and otherwise.  You've been left in a financial condition where you are just scraping by and the narcissist is asking you for help.  Thereby destroying you more, financially and emotionally, by pulling at your heart strings,

Now, keep in mind that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths have overlapping traits.  But in this blog I am describing a sociopath.  Let us review the traits of a sociopaths.

1,  Callous unconcern for the feelings of others.

2.  Gross and persistent attitude of  irresponsibility and disregard for social norms and obligations.

3.  Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them,.

4.  Very low tolerance to frustration, a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.

5.  Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalization for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.

Do these ring a bell?  When you catch yourself feeling sorry for the narcissist/sociopath, think back as to why you left.  

If you do decide to help the narcissist, notice how you feel.  Chances are, you will not feel good about it.  You will feel imposed upon and used, yet again.  Listen to these feelings and let the narcissist deal with his own crisis, which he caused, by the way.

A narcissist is like a person that is chemically dependent.  What is happening here is that you are enabling him or her, just as a person enables someone who is dependent on chemical substances.  Until they hit bottom, they will not change their behavior.  As long as they have you to depend on for anything, they will not do what is necessary to survive on their own,

Why do we feel sorry for them?  Why do we still feel responsible for their wellbeing when we know that they won't use whatever we do to help effectively?  It's like putting more wood in a blazing fire.  Could it be because of the psychological damage that he/she or even prior narcissists have inflicted upon us?  Cognitive Dissonance comes to mind.  We can't think straight, we're confused.  We can't make reasonable decisions.  And we are still being manipulated by the narcissist.  They are experts in manipulation and they are experts in pushing our reactive buttons.

That is why, when we leave a narcissist, it's important to go "no contact".  Hopefully, somewhere far away.  Block the phone number.  And, if there has to be contact, say if minor children are involved, only keep communications open through email, where you have a chance to digest everything he says, instead of immediately reacting.  If there are minor children involved, get an attorney right away and do things legally.

In the meantime, these reactions are a sign that we have not healed.  That is why it is so important to get immediate help from a therapist who specializes in Trauma Therapy and Narcissistic Abuse.  I have personally found out that not all therapists are familiar with narcissistic abuse.  I have found myself in the position of educating these therapists on narcissistic abuse.  

Especially during the Holidays, think about what I've written in this post, and be aware when the narcissist contacts you for help.  First thing to do is to notice how you feel.  And then go with that feeling.  It's okay to say "no".

Focus on being GOOD to YOU.