Thanksgiving is just a few days away and it seems as though the Christmas Spirit is falling down on the masses. I have very warm thoughts having to do with holidays. Thanksgiving is my all time favorite. Gathered around the table enjoying a feast with family and friends, being thankful and just enjoying each other. I always envision a warm cozy setting, Makes me want to jump up right now to get a cup of warm cocoa.......... with marshmallows. And then we have Christmas. Getting up in the morning and opening up presents under the Christmas tree............ Of course with a warm cup of cocoa. Then, having a nice breakfast and maybe going to visit friends and relatives with presents. Such an Aaaaaaah moment! And, of course, the festivities continue through New Year's Day! Those were my holidays of yesteryear and oh, how I loved them.
But if you're living with a narcissist, the upcoming holidays may cause feelings of dread. Or complacency............. Just another day.
Holidays get in the way of narcissists because, during this time, the attention isn't focused on them. You're busy buying gifts, preparing for the wonderful holiday meals, putting up decorations, and so forth. But then................ the narcissist always manages to spoil everything. For the narcissist, this is the season to devalue and maybe even discard.
Let me tell you about my first Christmas with the narcissist. I was busy preparing for Christmas and buying gifts for him and was so excited to be spending our first Christmas together. On Christmas Day, after having breakfast, I happily gave him his gifts. He looked at me with a blank look and said................ Oh, I didn't get you anything. DEVALUE. Well, at that moment, all my joy dropped to the ground, crashing down like painful shards of glass. Any happy emotion deflated. So, trying to make the best of everything, I watched him open his gifts. Every Christmas he would go camping with a relative and this was no exception. A little while later, we ate Christmas Dinner and right afterwards, he left to go camping and was gone for a couple of days. So, there I was alone on Christmas. I did not matter. Why didn't I get that? Because I had been with him since the prior June and had already been the subject of enough gaslighting and, not only that, but I had been involved with narcissists all my life and wasn't aware of it. So, I may have very well entered the relationship confused, thinking that I didn't matter anyway. And you know, they give themselves away. He used to use this phrase quite often........... Who are you going to believe? Me, or your lying eyes? It was right there all the time! Now, don't get me wrong. It's not necessary to have family and friends around to have a wonderful Christmas. Christmas can be extra wonderful when you spend it with a special someone. The companionship, the comfort, the closeness. But, apparently, I wasn't that special person. His relative was.
From then on, we did exchange gifts, but it was the same old thing. He'd always go camping on Christmas Day and sometimes even before. Also on New Year's day and, while I'm at it, Easter, Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day, and here we are back to Thanksgiving. After a couple of years, I stopped celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas because............. Why bother? He was never there. At best, we'd have dinner and then he'd either go camping or go on the computer, or do something else. So, Thanksgiving and Christmas became just another day.
However, I learned to enjoy the holidays on my own. I would snuggle up on the couch and binge on Christmas movies with a hot cup of cocoa. Of course, with marshmallows. You CAN enjoy holidays when you're alone. Make it a special time. You can bask in your own company, do things you enjoy, heck you can even go out or spend time with family or friends. Just because the narcissist isn't doing anything to contribute, doesn't mean you have to go along with his program. And sometimes, I would go visiting, just to relax and have some enjoyable time.
Other narcissists may spoil a family gathering with their negative behavior, such as outbursts, maybe taking this opportunity to shame you in front of others,,,,,,,,, And you end up embarrassed, maybe mortified. There is no limit to what they can do. After all, the holiday season is not about the narcissist and, somehow, they have to make it all about themselves. Even if they have to get negative attention. Supply is supply. By the way, let me say here that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER'S ACTIONS. No matter who they are. So, let that be on them, not you.
If this is your first holiday season with a narcissist, be prepared for what is to come. Guaranteed, it will not be pleasant. You may end up disappointed, or maybe hurt to the core. If you've been with a narcissist for several years, well you know what's coming.
Instead of being apathetic this holiday season, or even worse, make Christmas about yourself. Don't let anybody destroy this special time for you. Do things that you enjoy, whether it's celebrating at home doing things you enjoy, or going out to a friend or relative's house. Let the narcissist do what he does and don't let it affect you. If he has a narcissistic rage because you're enjoying the holidays. don't react. Just observe. And don't let it get to you. This is called the grey rock treatment, which I will cover in detail in another post. The grey rock treatment is when you don't react to what he's saying, however many of your buttons he pushes.
So, this holiday season, don't let anyone spoil it for you. Be Merry!
Be GOOD to you,
No comments:
Post a Comment