Living with a Narcissist Can Kill you.

Living with a narcissist will eventually lead to mental exhaustion, severe depression, anxiety, and other psychological conditions..  All this begins with feeling sad.  Day in and day out sadness that does not go away turns to depression, anxiety, and mental exhaustion.  Why?  Because we have become mentally and emotionally overwhelmed, and have lost the ability to cope.  The slightest tasks may be overwhelming, to the point that we may be thinking of all that we need to do and then just flop down in exhaustion, not even starting any of those tasks.

Two other things that you will notice are:

1.  You will eat too much, you will not eat enough, or you will not eat at all.  And, these are because of your mental and emotional state.

2.  You will sleep too much, experience disrupted sleep, or not sleep at all............  Again,  because of your mental and emotional state.

When you first meet the narcissist, you think this is the best thing that has ever happened to you.  But, as time goes on, with everything you go through, the gaslighting, the projection, the shaming, triangulation, the narcissistic rages, and on and on............. You, little by little are worn down and ever so subtly, who you are, your personality, is being chipped away little by little, until you are left a shell of your former self.

The thing is, that all of the above, the sadness, depression, anxiety, not eating correctly, not getting proper sleep............  It all leads to inflammation in the body.  Inflammation that won't go away no matter what you do, because every single day you have a barrage of negative input coming at you  and this becomes a no win situation.  Eventually, this leads to physical disease and even death.  You see, a narcissist doesn't need to physically hurt you to kill you.  He accomplishes this by simply chipping at you, bit by bit, and harming you psychologically.

When one of my clients complains of depression, anxiety, mental fatigue, or even aches and pains, my first question always is............  Are you happy?  Yes or no?  Because that's where it's at.  If you are happy, you will not become susceptible to any of these conditions,  because you are experiencing wellbeing.  But, when you are not happy, when each day is a struggle, when you can't see that light at the end of the tunnel..............  Well, that's when disease sets in.  Sadness equals inflammation, then disease, and then death.

What can we do to break this cycle?

Well, first thing.............  love yourself.  Stop breaking your neck to please someone else, who will never give you validation.  Whether you're with the narcissist or not, focus on yourself.  Nurture yourself.  Make things easy, or as easy as possible for yourself.  In other words, cut yourself some slack.  Actually, my motto is..........  Keep it simple.

You may ask.........  Why am I doing this?  I'll tell you:  Because you have no self-esteem left and you may be totally dependent on the narcissist.  You may be afraid to make your own decisions.  And this may be because you have been so devalued, that you are not sure if you will make the right decision, no matter how simple.  Or.......  That the narcissist will tear you down, make fun of you, shame you, or whatever else, with regard to that decision.

You may feel unworthy.  Instead of having that "I am not worthy" phrase going through your head all the time, get up every morning and emphatically say the words...........  I AM WORTHY!  Or, every time that I am not worthy feeling slips in, just switch it to I AM worthy.  

If you are living with the narcissist, instead of being a part of the drama, educate yourself about narcissism, step back and observe all of his/her actions.  And, just by doing this, you step out of the drama and become, just that, an observer.

Have a trusted friend or family member that you can talk to.  It's important to get what you're feeling out.  It's important to feel your emotions, to cry, to express anger (in a constructive way).

If you are not going through therapy, find a therapist or life coach that specializes in narcissistic abuse.  A regular therapist does not have a clue, and although meaning well, they may actually cause more harm.

Start appreciating every day, even the little things, even the tiniest of things.   Focus on the good things, not negative or experiences.

By doing all this, you slowly change your vibration from negative to positive, and you get stronger and stronger.

Assert your right as an individual, and this is mostly for yourself, because what you believe and feel is what changes your life.  What other people think of you does not matter.  Don't rely on their validation to define yourself.  Because, they have their own baggage and their own agenda.

You may be thinking............  But if I do all these things, he/she may leave?  Actually, that would be your very best option.  It would give you a chance to rebuild your life in a healthy way.  And another way to look at it is............  You may feel strong and confident enough to leave.  But, be aware that whether he/she leaves you or you are the one to leave, you will probably be left with no money.  The best thing to do is to cut your losses and just move on to a better and happier life.

These simple changes in attitude is the beginning to healing, to making yourself stronger.  Strong enough, that you one day you might say to yourself.  "Why am I allowing this treatment?.  I don't deserve this."  Those are the very words that made me strong enough to leave.  Of course, I didn't leave right away.  I carefully planned it to be somewhere where I would be safe, happy, and would be able to live a healthy life.  In anything, never run away.  That does not work.  Planning carefully is essential.  Go to something, a new life.

But, it all begins within.  Nobody can fix the narcissist, nobody can fix anybody else.  But people are available to support, and maybe guide you in your journey.  But, the truth is, we can only fix ourselves.

With all that I went through in the narcissistic relationship I was in, I once had someone tell me how resilient I was.  And I thought.......  Huh?  But then, in my research I read that victims of narcissistic abuse are the most resilient people the author had met, both men and women.  So, it must be true.  We ARE resilient.

Lastly, what is the secret to creating a better life?  Our thoughts, our words, and our actions.

If you need someone to talk to, please know that I am here.  Just leave me a comment or send me an email.

I am going to leave you with these final words...........  Be GOOD to YOU.

  

Are Narcissists Suicidal?

When a narcissist is in crisis (also known as imploding), you may hear the word "suicide" dropped now and then,  and it may sound very convincing.  I usually look out for certain key words and phrases, to determine how serious this threat is.   And a narcissist will also drop these key words and phrases.  So, this causes concern followed by your emotional involvement.   You may drop everything and run to the narcissist.

The thing is, a narcissist does suicide ideation, but they will not follow through.  In fact, when there is a blur in the line as to whether a person has a narcissist personality disorder (NPD) or a borderline personality disorder (BPD), it all comes down to suicide.  A person with BPD will follow through with taking their own life.

Why do narcissists do this?  To get your sympathy.  To reel you back in.  He is betting that you will drop all your anger towards him and replace it with concern.  That you will go to him and talk to him, give him sympathy, take care of him, and, ultimately, go back to him.  The best thing to do if you are concerned that he is so down that he will take his life is to call 911.  After that little adventure, he'll think twice before mentioning suicide again.

Another way of working on your heart strings is to tell you that he is very sick.  And if he does have health conditions, he will exaggerate them.  All, so you will come back and care for him.  This is just another method to reel you back in.  Again, this is done to trigger an emotional response from you.  The answer to all of this, is to simply suggest that he go see a doctor or call 911.  These illnesses can range from anything from a cold to a heart attack.  Or he may say that he's got several serious conditions.  If he does have them, they will be exaggerated.  All this to draw you in.  To get you emotionally involved, so you will forget about all the harm that he has put you through.  When all else fails, the hoovering, the love bombing, etc, then they turn to suicide and/or illness to get your attention.  When you feel your heart strings tugging, sit down and think about why you left.  All the reasons, one-by-one.  In fact, you may want to write them down as a permanent reminder.

Keep in mind that after you have left the narcissist, you are the one that is in a fragile state.  You are the one who needs to focus on healing.  The last thing you need to get involved with is this needless drama.  Remember, narcissists love drama, any type of drama, and they will feed off your kindness and concern.

The thing to do in this situation is to, in a calm manner, tell him to see a doctor.  If he's describing something serious, to call 911.  And, please, if he does choose to call 911, do not meet him at the hospital.  Some will do all it takes to create drama.  And then,  some of them would never call 911 because all the sirens and hoopla would create negative attention.  And the image of the person he projects himself to be would be tarnished.

This is especially difficult to do if you still love the narcissist.  Keep in mind that you are in a very fragile state and that he will just use your emotions as supply.  Remember, the narcissist feeds off your supply.  He does not care about you.  All he cares about is getting his supply.  This is why they are called Energy Vampires.

For situations as these, and just everyday life with the hoovering and love bombing that goes on, it is important that you go to therapy.  And, by "therapy" I mean trauma therapy by a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse,  This is critical.  Someone you can call in these types of situations when your emotions have been attacked, once again.  Actually, it would be great if you had a support system of people you could call.  Know that this angst that you may be going through is supplying him with your energy.  Once you can take an objective look at what he does, it is much easier to deal with.  Learn to protect yourself, because all his communication with you is nothing but more emotional abuse.

If the narcissist loved you, he would never have put you through psychological abuse in the first place.  And after you have left, if he loved and respected you, he would not be playing these cruel games.  Notice that every time he said that he loved you throughout your relationship, the actions that followed did not reflect that love.

What kind of person would perform such cruel acts?  A highly manipulative person,  Narcissists are experts in manipulating people.  Cut those puppet strings that are attached to him, because that's what he's using you as...................  A puppet.

Hope this post has helped you.  Please feel free to share your comments below.  And remember...............

Be GOOD to YOU.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the most common type of personality disorders.  While it may appear to be narcissistic behavior to others, it is not.  People with BPD have emotions that run very deep.  In fact, their emotions are intense and exaggerated.  They will take offense at the slightest comment, even when no offense was meant.  In other words, people with BPD are very fragile.  BPD causes severe instability in self-image, behavior, mood and personal relationships.  This disorder, therefore, gets in the way of every aspect of everyday life, such as work, social relationships and even family life.  The reason the word "borderline" is used is because they are thought to be on the border of psychosis and neurosis.  2% of the population suffers with BPD.  And, interestingly enough, more women than men suffer from this type of personality disorder.  Although, BPD is very treatable, treatment is more successful when it is diagnosed in its early stages, and it must be done by a therapist that specializes in BPD.  Going to the wrong type of therapist can actually make a person worse.

As with so many psychological disorders, the brain of someone with BPD is injured.  The limbic system is hypersensitive and their amygdala may very well be swollen, making the emotional input that they receive to be exaggerated.  This accounts for the major mood swings and their volatile responses when they perceive that they are being abandoned.

Borderline Personality Disorder usually presents itself during adolescence and early adulthood.  One of the causes is thought to be genetic, which would mean that they inherit this condition from theeir ancestors, and it is also the result of childhood abuse and/or trauma.

What criteria is necessary for a person to be at risk for developing BPD?

1.  If you have a family member with BPD.

2.  If you felt emotionally unstable as a child.

3.  If you were emotionally and/or physically abused as a child.

4.  If you developed a fear of abandonment as a child.

People with BPD suffer from an intense fear of abandonment.  In my opinion, this is the most threatening fear they have.  Thinking that they are at risk of being abandoned by someone, may trigger volatile behavior.  The trigger could even be as insignificant as a reasonable short-term separation.  They may feel that this perceived abandonment is because they did something wrong.  The reason this fear is so intense is because people with BPD have an intense intolerance to being left alone.  They would much rather be with other people.  And, this is the reason why, when someone befriends them, they make that person the center of their lives.  They tend to idealize them.

However, if they perceive that this friend is going to abandon them, these feelings turn into intense hatred,  This can happen for something as simple as the new friend spending time with someone else, without including them.  Again, the person with BPD  may very well think that they did something wrong and that's why their friend does not want to spend time with him/her.  Impulsive, violent, and/or self-destructive behavior is the result of these  frightening and intense feelings.  Because of this particular fear, they tend to have intense, unstable and difficult relationships.

Other traits are:

1.  Very poor self-image.

2.  Self-destructive, impulsive behavior.

3.  Suicidal threats and attempts which, of course, can be successful.

4.  Extreme mood swings.

5.  Feeling empty inside, feelings of isolation or being ostracized by humanity.

6.  When under severe stress, short-lived psychotic episodes.

7.  Self-mutilation.

And, let me touch on self-mutilation.

When cutting themselves, the pain they feel replaces their anguish and emotional pain.  When blood starts  surfacing and spilling over, they feel a substantial sense of relief.  It almost seems to detonate the emotional bomb that is about to explode inside them.

People with BPD feel unworthy of love but, yet, try to look for love from the people around them.

That's why I said above that I feel that fear of abandonment is their number one issue, because love is the bottom line for all of us.  The feeling of not being loved alone can be the cause of BPD and so many other psychological conditions.  Showing them how to build realistic relationships with trust may be the most important aspect of recovery.

If you or a loved one suffers from BPD it is crucial to get a therapist that specializes in Borderline Personality Disorders.

What is the difference between Overt and Covert Narcissists?

Today, we are going to talk about the two types of narcissists, overt and covert.  

An overt narcissists is the most obvious.  An overt narcissist does not try to temper their behavior in front of others.  He/She acts out in public by being aggressive, causing arguments and in general, being unruly.  An overt narcissist is arrogant, demanding, pompous and boastful.  An overt narcissist exhibits grandiose behavior, demands that he receives special treatment, portrays himself as the most knowledgeable in a special field, or many fields, and expects everyone's admiration.  However, he is easily offended should he not get the admiration he feels he deserves and, should he receive any type of criticism, it might very well ignite a narcissistic rage. 

An overt narcissist exploits people ruthlessly in his quest for power and control.   He has the potential to obtain power and material wealth, but always at the expense of others.  If these people do not obtain the success they desire, they may make up phony credentials to make others believe that they are, indeed, powerful and successful.

A covert narcissist, on the other hand, is discreet, although no less dangerous.  The covert narcissist does not present a grandiose self to the world.  Instead, he lives within, fantasizing about these non-existent attributes.

The covert narcissist tends to be depressed and withdrawn.  He may suffer with anxiety and he may be pessimistic and unmotivated.  He tries to get other people to do his bidding,  And, when the covert narcissist has problems in his life (which he created) he will blame everyone and everything around him as to why his life is not going as he thinks it should be.   Being passive-aggressive, he subtly projects all of his feelings of inadequacy to those who are close to him.  It may be gaslighting during a casual conversation or it may even be during a narcissistic rage.  

Both the overt and covert narcissist feels unworthy.  They feel shame and insecurity, while having a very low self-esteem.  They are envious of other people, or pretend that other people are envious of them.  Other negative emotions include anger, hatred, and they have the need to control others.   They both lie, manipulate, withhold love, slander, and abandon people, just to intentionally hurt them.  They both exploit people to get whatever they need.    Both types of narcissists will help themselves to your house, money, resources and energy, leaving you drained or even sick. 

Keep in mind, that when a covert narcissist loses control, when they see that your supply may be in question, when things start falling apart for them, they will transition from being a covert to an overt narcissist.  This will take their partner by surprise, as they are used to one type of narcissist and then, all of a sudden they find themselves with an overt narcissist.  The sudden narcissistic rages will blow the partner away, so to speak, and they won't know what to do with this new situation.  You may think that this type of behavior may just be temporary (maybe he's having a bad day, maybe he's too stressed), but once the covert narcissist turns into an overt narcissist, they can only focus on what they want, making life unbearable.  If your supply is in question, they may turn to being cruel and vindictive.  All of a sudden, everything that has gone wrong is your fault.  And this is where a lot of projection takes place, most likely during narcissistic rages.  You will be undermined, shamed, and abused in other ways.   However, when you react or try to defend yourself, the whole situation is turned around to make it seem as though you are the problem.  When you react in anger, he will say something like............  Look at you.  Look how you are behaving.  And he will make you believe that you are the problem.  Then, you will be left feeling ashamed of the way you acted and you may even think that YOU are the problem.  Keep in mind that during this outburst, you have received strong gaslighting and projection.  But then notice that you are left feeling bad about yourself, while the narcissist is just fine.

Now, keep in mind that narcissistic traits are not one size fits all.  These traits may very well overlap in different kinds of narcissists.  Just be aware that entering into a relationship with a narcissist is very dangerous.  They can steal your money, assets, energy, and even your personality, leaving you fragile, when you were once strong and independent.  A narcissist doesn't have to be violent in order to kill.  He can kill you by psychological manipulation.  You may end up with psychological problems that may very well end up in physical illness, chronic physical illness, or acute illness that can very well take your life.  Inward turmoil can result in serious diseases such as multiple sclerosis, lupus, grave's disease,  and other autoimmune diseases.  It can even result in cancer,.

There is good reason why they are called energy vampires and body snatchers.  Because this is what they do.

Stop Feeling Sorry for the Narcissist

There are times that we leave the narcissist with no supply.  When this happens, the narcissist goes into crisis mode.  Not just because he has lost you as the primary supply, but your leaving has caused his/her life to fall into complete crisis.

Why is that?  Simply because you are the one that held everything together.  Chances are, you paid the bills, you are the one that put food on the table, etc., while, at the same time, the narcissist was taking from your own private funds, to the point that you realized that you were now left with practically nothing.

When we leave the narcissist in this type of situation, a lot of us tend to feel guilty and sorry for them.  And, we may even try to help them.  Even as we are leaving the narcissist, we may realize that his life will be destroyed and even as we leave, we feel guilty.  We still feel responsible for that person.

Since when are we responsible for the wellbeing of others?  WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN WELLBEING and, of course, the wellbeing of our minor children.  But, through our being empaths and being co-dependent, and through gaslighting, projection and other cruel and abusive methods they use, we have grown to feel responsible for them.  

Now, if you were raised by a narcissistic parent, or parents, the damage has already been done.  Chances are that you felt responsible for them as a child, and even as an adult.  That you felt responsible for their happiness.  You blamed yourself for their narcissistic rages toward you.  You believed that you were bad and, therefore, you deserved everything you got.  I remember thinking as a child............  If I were only perfect, my daddy would love me.  How sad.  The truth is..............  IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, and the fact that you gravitated to another narcissist and were further victimized was also NOT YOUR FAULT.  A serious brain injury, called Cognitive Dissonance, was inflicted on you during the 18 or so years that you were raised by your parents.  And, then you left the nest and navigated into the relationship that you are in now with an injured brain.  You cannot make good decisions.  The part of the brain responsible for that has been injured,   You are subject to gaslighting, projection, and all of the other methods the narcissist uses to psychologically abuse and wound you, without your even being aware of what is being done to you.  Because, if you were raised by a narcissistic parent, you are used to it, and you may think that this is even normal behavior.

And............  Who is responsible for the narcissist's dilemma and your being in this situation?  The narcissist, through his irresponsible behavior, financially and otherwise.  You've been left in a financial condition where you are just scraping by and the narcissist is asking you for help.  Thereby destroying you more, financially and emotionally, by pulling at your heart strings,

Now, keep in mind that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths have overlapping traits.  But in this blog I am describing a sociopath.  Let us review the traits of a sociopaths.

1,  Callous unconcern for the feelings of others.

2.  Gross and persistent attitude of  irresponsibility and disregard for social norms and obligations.

3.  Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them,.

4.  Very low tolerance to frustration, a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.

5.  Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalization for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.

Do these ring a bell?  When you catch yourself feeling sorry for the narcissist/sociopath, think back as to why you left.  

If you do decide to help the narcissist, notice how you feel.  Chances are, you will not feel good about it.  You will feel imposed upon and used, yet again.  Listen to these feelings and let the narcissist deal with his own crisis, which he caused, by the way.

A narcissist is like a person that is chemically dependent.  What is happening here is that you are enabling him or her, just as a person enables someone who is dependent on chemical substances.  Until they hit bottom, they will not change their behavior.  As long as they have you to depend on for anything, they will not do what is necessary to survive on their own,

Why do we feel sorry for them?  Why do we still feel responsible for their wellbeing when we know that they won't use whatever we do to help effectively?  It's like putting more wood in a blazing fire.  Could it be because of the psychological damage that he/she or even prior narcissists have inflicted upon us?  Cognitive Dissonance comes to mind.  We can't think straight, we're confused.  We can't make reasonable decisions.  And we are still being manipulated by the narcissist.  They are experts in manipulation and they are experts in pushing our reactive buttons.

That is why, when we leave a narcissist, it's important to go "no contact".  Hopefully, somewhere far away.  Block the phone number.  And, if there has to be contact, say if minor children are involved, only keep communications open through email, where you have a chance to digest everything he says, instead of immediately reacting.  If there are minor children involved, get an attorney right away and do things legally.

In the meantime, these reactions are a sign that we have not healed.  That is why it is so important to get immediate help from a therapist who specializes in Trauma Therapy and Narcissistic Abuse.  I have personally found out that not all therapists are familiar with narcissistic abuse.  I have found myself in the position of educating these therapists on narcissistic abuse.  

Especially during the Holidays, think about what I've written in this post, and be aware when the narcissist contacts you for help.  First thing to do is to notice how you feel.  And then go with that feeling.  It's okay to say "no".

Focus on being GOOD to YOU.

When Your Parent is a Narcissist

The narcissistic parent has no respect for his/her children and their boundaries.   The children are nothing but pawns to be controlled.  However,  this control does not end when the child becomes an adult.  It continues through life until the narcissist passes or the child says............  Enough.

When you have a narcissistic parent,  from the minute you're born, you have already experienced your first setback in life.  Even as a baby, you don't get the love and attention you deserve.  You are not loved, you are ignored, and may even ignite the narcissist's wrath.  When a baby does not live in a loving and happy environment, it becomes damaged.  Already, the psychological injury is taking its toll.  The hippocampus, which is in the limbic system of the brain, does not develop properly, and this is the region of the brain which is responsible for memory, learning and stress responses.  It also affects the amygdala, which is responsible for emotional reactions.  So, by the time that baby reaches childhood, already, its reality is not the same as it is for other children.  The child now lives in the narcissist's alternate reality.

Narcissists are unable to love and, unfortunately, this is also true with regard to their own children.  So, the child of a narcissist has trouble navigating childhood, going through school and socializing with their peers.  During adulthood, they may think that the hard part is over and that their world is now in their own hands but, not so.  The narcissist is right behind them, still exercising their control, manipulation and wrath on their adult child.  And if the narcissist should pass on, the child has those ghosts of the past subtly speaking to them subconsciously.  Not to mention, the relationship choices the adult child will make throughout life.

When a narcissist uses his methods to devalue adults, they become "broken" and lose their identity.  How can a child withstand this manipulation and punishment?  Simply put, he can't.  Such methods as gaslighting, narcissistic rages, projection, shaming, and worst of all, the silent treatment, breaks the child's spirit.  All these methods are cruel and unjust ways to treat a child, but the silent treatment is worst of all.  The silent treatment inflicts pain without physical bruising.  The silent treatment activates the brain stem, the thalamus and the cerebral cortex.  These are the three parts of the brain through which pain is felt.  Furthermore, a recipient of the silent treatment feels powerless, intimidated, guilty, and insignificant,    And, both gaslighting and the silent treatment are methods used in interrogating POW's.  It is not only devastating for an adult, but so much more for a child that has no emotional defenses.

So, by the time the child is an adult and leaves the nest, the child has been abused and ignored through his entire life.  So, what is going to happen is that the child will go out into the world with a psychological disorder.  He/She may even be developing their own narcissistic attributes as a defense mechanism against the world.

Needless to say, when it is time to choose a partner, the child will unknowingly fall into an unhealthy relationship, choosing a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath to go through life with.  And, taking into consideration their childhood experience, he may think that this type of relationship is normal.  The child that has become a narcissist, on the other hand, will choose his own victim, who may have very likely had a narcissistic parent, and the abusive circle continues.

This reminds me of something that my mother said during her last years of life, which actually surprised me.  "You never stood a chance."

Do we, victims of narcissism stand a chance?  Yes we do.  We are very resilient.  I have been told that personally and, on doing my research, I came across an author who said that victims of narcissistic abuse are the most resilient people that he has ever met.  Of course, healing must take place and this will take time.  But each day we will become more confident and more comfortable in our own bodies..  More importantly, we will learn how to love and nurture ourselves, something we never learned to do.

But, in a way, my mother was right.  It seems as though we don't stand a chance, taking into consideration the psychological and maybe physical abuse we have endured.  But now we know, and healing can take place.  Life can begin to blossom into a beautiful experience,.  It wasn't our fault after all!  We were not bad children and we are not bad adults!  What a concept!  These were lies told to us by the people who were supposed to love and protect us. 

This is the beginning of healing.  We do not have to live our lives as insignificant and unworthy people,  Because, WE ARE WORTHY.

And, of course, I can't forget this reminder .............  Be GOOD to YOU. 

When a Narcissist Discards You, Especially During the Holidays (VIDEO)